Marriage Comedic Observer Gifts

"Hi, honey, I'm homosexual!"

"Just keep quiet and listen to what we have to say."

'...honestly I just feel like we don't communicate like we used to!'

"So, what you're telling me is: I have unusually high negatives for a third-year husband..."

"Happy anniversary, dear… 'happy wife, happy life!'" "That's because nothing rhymes with 'happy husband.'"

'Your wife says you act like a fool. I thought you said she never pays attention to you.'

'Well, that's just great...you can part the Red Sea, but you can't open a jar of pickles for me!'

'Either you do or you don't - there isn't any 'cooling-off' period!'

Odysseus starts regretting his return to Ithaca.

'No, but thanks for asking.'

"Yes, I've made three resolutions - not to drink less, not to stop watching football on telly and not to spend more time at your mother's."

'Doris,do you realize you are destroying a perfectly happy marriage?'

"You might want to save that for your blog."

'In sickness and in health, under affordable health care or unaffordable. . .'

'Great sermon, Reverend! Too bad my husband couldn't stay awake to hear it.'

'It's true that my wife does forgive and forget - the trouble is that she never forgets what she's forgiven...'

'Honestly, Harry. It's getting so I can't tell your scratching from the cat's.'

'My wife says not to worry. She's convinced she can get me out of here with coupons.'

"Let's take in a trial."

'You're three o'clock cancelled, the Parson deal is ending, and your husband wants to know if the dishes are dirty or clean.'

'I think he's in too much pain to answer!'

"Oh, my husband is a great provider: his hunting success rate is close to 30%..."

"Son, the key to a happy marriage is listening, or at least purr and pretend you are."

"You call that worrying?"

"I decided to spend the money and have my legs waxed."

'It started with between-meal snacks -- now he's having between-snack noshes.'

"Hang on, I'll get him for you."

"I'm afraid your wife gets to say 'I told you so.'"

"Ah-h, her comes my better half now."

"It's about time you finished the wall, Herbet...that's your problem, you never finish anything you start!"

"My husband is missing. I haven't seen him since he started wearing camouflage clothes."

'That one was taken on our wedding day, when he was young, handsome and in love. That other one was taken when he was older, more mature and a pain in the neck.'