Marital Sage Gifts

'Take it from me, hon. Divorce is the continuation of marriage by other means.'

"You seem troubled, Pastor. Is anything worrying you...I mean aside from the sins of the world, the vanity of humankind, man's inhumanity to man..."

"Hello, my name is Karl and I'm addicted to speaking to small groups of strangers."

"Most of the time it's 'Me Tarzan, you Jane', until we get into the bedroom. Then he's all, 'You Tarzan, Me Jane'."

"In response to your request for better communications, I'm going to increase my lengthy explanation by 50%."

One way only.

'Oh, yeah? -- Well, my true inner self can whip your true inner self!'

"It's nothing, go back to sleep. I was just getting a DNA sample."

"Pastor, may we share a message with you about humility?"

'Do you mean 'who cares what the meaning of life is,' or that 'who cares' IS the meaning of life?'

"Everytime you touch me, I get frostbite!"

One can hardly be expected to solve the riddle of existence without a computer

Parson and abandoned husband

"First you make a roux."

"Wait a minute- these are just the ten commandments of perfect mashed potatoes."

Bishop with a crozier case.

'How am I supposed to meditate with your nose whistling?'

"Do I look like a wise man to you?"

'I still have all my own teeth.'

Couldn't you have used a smaller font?

"That was a fascinating regression. Apparently, you were a pirate in a previous life!"

"You're confusing guilt with feelings of remorse. With remorse, you don't need a lawyer."

"Jeez, Alice, at least Google him first."

Last Will and Testament: Salt, Pepper, Tarragon, Garlic.

'I'm afraid my husband will stop loving me as I get older.' - 'Mine would never do that with me. You know why, don't you. He's an antique dealer.'

"Rough year?" (2021 new year baby asking 2020 old year man)

'Did you spill my pint?'

'Wh-h-hatz-u-upp, dude?'

The past only looks good when you're living in the present.

"Honey, please! I can’t concentrate with you in there being married to me!"

'Because Elvis is FULL of philosophical insights.'

'Meaning of life, eh? -- Who wants to know?'

"It's nice of you to say so, Ben, but somehow the idea of 'Shakespeare in the Park' doesn't really appeal to me."

"Without a doubt... the first sixty!"

'Always give a grave prognosis, my boy!...'