Relationship Sage Gifts

"I bumped into a new girlfriend last night."

"I'm turned off by the womanizing."

"Larry and I invited you here tonight to take our focus off each other."

"I know what you're facing. My Ted was previously owned, too."

"Your friend Andy thinks I'm sexy."

"Jeez, Alice, at least Google him first."

"Most of the time it's 'Me Tarzan, you Jane', until we get into the bedroom. Then he's all, 'You Tarzan, Me Jane'."

"He was my warmup husband."

'I married Miss Right... I just didn't know her first name was Always!'

'The new teacher in our school is single and cute but he has commitment issues. He's changed his Internet service provider six times.'

'I was dating a weatherman, but he had this annoying habit of always talking up a storm.'

The man of the hour is the guy whose wife asked him to wait a minute.

"Your lawyer knows how lonely I feel without you, so he's moved in with me."

"Everytime you touch me, I get frostbite!"

"Where's my pain? You met her in the waiting room."

In the Guru District

"M'lady, we’ve reached peak Brooklyn."

'Past performance is not an indication of future results.'

"Agamemnon and Clytemnestra have decided to separate amicably."

"We have three house blends: 'One More Chance', 'Forget About It' or 'I'll See You In Fun Court'."

'You're my best man, Pomeroy, so I've decided to sell the damn company.'

"I'll bet your're a Taurus. Right?"

Life is for the birds.

When Ted and Nancy would dance, it was as if they were the only couple on the floor....

"Do you, Darlene, take Jim to be your lawfully wedded husband, when you could, clearly, do far better?"

'I had my attorney draw this up. It states that if I choose to rise, I don't necessarily have to shine.'

"I'd like the garden salad with the blue cheese dressing, and my mother would like me married by age thirty."

"Before you chop off my head, don't you think we should see a counsellor?"

"In lieu of a pre-nup we decided just to label everything."

'Progress of a bookshelf'

"I invited a few friends over who think you should see a psychiatrist."

'Do you think it might be possible that what you wear could be a contributing factor to your relationship problems?'

I'm looking for a man who can meet my needs - Cream meringue master-chef.

Stan Mack's Real Life Funnies: The Science of Love

Give us a drink that says "we're in love." Oh no, not again. Today's Special. Latte + 1hr web $12.50. We're back together. We're celebrating. Give us my darling pudding pie's favorite drink. A cinnamon mocha latte with a peppermint lollipop swizzle stick. Excuse me?! That is not my favorite drink ... dear. My favorite drink is a cinnamon mocha latte with a spearmint lollipop swizzle stick ... dear. I am so sorry ... snookums. How could I have possibly been so heartless and thoughtless as to con