Marital Referee Gifts

Foul play

"Some day, son, all this will be your ex-wife's."

"Just keep quiet and listen to what we have to say."

"According to this article, snoring can result in justifiable homicide."

"Helen, I have decided to seek a change of venue, since it has grown increasingly obvious that I can no longer get a fair trial in this household."

"Once again Tony and I are not on the same page. Things in our marriage are definitely not ‘great’."

Wedding Chefs

"I thought we swore never to go to bed angry."

'Oh, we don't keep score in our marriage, Dr. Downs, but if we did, I'd be winning 212 to 137.'

"To be honest, I'm not really surprised to hear your relationship isn't working out. You're not the first bacterium and penicillium to sit in those chairs and you certainly won't be the last."

"She leaves wooden-handled knives soaking in the dishwater all night long. Your Honor."

'I agreed to a relationship coach, not a referee.'

Richard and Wendy Kozier, of Saddle River, New Jersey, with U.N. Peacekeeping Contingent

"May I remind you that our prenuptial agreement called for me to take the plants?"

'Whenever he feels under attack, he calls for backup.'

"The Jacksons will be there in about an hour and I promise you guys an epic fight!"

"You forgot to say ‘and they lived happily ever after.'"

"Look, I'm not denying the validity of your grievances. I just think they'd be better addressed at home, Helen."

"He's fluent in 24 computer languages and never says a bloody word to me."

"I can try, but I've never had a marriage overturned on appeal."

Ask Sadie. Dear Sadie, Do you agree with Rudy Giuliani? He said the president doesn't love America, because he's always apologizing for it and finding fault with it. Thoughts? *Actual reader question. Sounds EXACTLY like love to me. My husband would disagree, but don't mind him, he's just a quarrelsome know-it-all. Ask Sadie at asksadie@rudypark.com.

"If I could choose any age I'd be forty-two again. You were hot when I was forty-two."

'Objection over-ruled!'

'You deserve one another, but I don't deserve you!'

'Well, Helen, you were right - our marriage contract does include an option year.'

'The Ref gave out 4 yellow cards, 2 reds and 7 Valentine cards.'

'I suppose this puts my new bike on the back burner?'

'And he seems to think he's God's gift to women.'

"You can't leave! I haven't had dinner yet!"

'You say he's stubborn, mean, cantankerous, won't take orders, sometimes won't move? Are you talking about your mule or your husband?'

"The orgasms were real. But I faked the kids."

'Share your innermost feelings or the remote gets it.'

"This is just like you, beverly. We're supposed to meet alone and you bring your attorney."

"Look, like I keep telling what's-her-name here, we don't have a marriage problem."

'Maybe your wife doesn't understand you, because you don't make any sense!'