Marriage Officiant Gifts

"You forgot to say ‘and they lived happily ever after.'"

"Some day, son, all this will be your ex-wife's."

"Just keep quiet and listen to what we have to say."

"According to this article, snoring can result in justifiable homicide."

'Okay.. what the hell.'

"You may now let me go try to get the sand out of my shoes and suit just in time for my next beach wedding."

This is Dr. Sadie, what's your question, caller? I just found out my wife got a bonus at work. But instead of buying gifts for my mother and my six brothers, she flew to Maui and sent me a photo of herself eating a seven-course meal. Stop whining. She's given you the best gift a spouse can give ... Something to hold over her head for the rest of your lives. Well ... There is that, I guess.

'Your wife says you act like a fool. I thought you said she never pays attention to you.'

Fishing 'Just what the Hell IS your problem lady??'

"I thought we swore never to go to bed angry."

"...and if you both can successfully complete this CAPTCHA, we'll continue with the vows."

"You may now begin your insane experiment."

"Yes, I do need an answer right now."

'I agreed to a relationship coach, not a referee.'

Richard and Wendy Kozier, of Saddle River, New Jersey, with U.N. Peacekeeping Contingent

'It's always about you isn't it, George? Wouldn't you like to hear about the terrible day I've had for a change?'

"Excuse me, Father...is the host gluten-free?"

'Whenever he feels under attack, he calls for backup.'

"May I remind you that our prenuptial agreement called for me to take the plants?"

'-but I keep telling you-these things take time...'

"Look, I'm not denying the validity of your grievances. I just think they'd be better addressed at home, Helen."

"He's fluent in 24 computer languages and never says a bloody word to me."

'Objection over-ruled!'

'The response is 'I do.' Not 'Whatever she says.''

The Uber Wedding Planner: 'Ok, we're almost there...we just need a clarification on the whether the 'till death do us part' clause is meant literally or figuratively.'

"If I could choose any age I'd be forty-two again. You were hot when I was forty-two."

'You deserve one another, but I don't deserve you!'

'Well, Helen, you were right - our marriage contract does include an option year.'

'Do try and look intelligent-here comes my first husband...'

"I can try, but I've never had a marriage overturned on appeal."

"I'm leaving you. I would have told you earlier but the time just never seemed right."

"You can't leave! I haven't had dinner yet!"

'And he seems to think he's God's gift to women.'

"This is just like you, beverly. We're supposed to meet alone and you bring your attorney."

''Love, honor, and obey'? - This needs a REWRITE!'