Wedding Officiant Humorist Gifts

'If anyone here objects to the marriage of these two men, speak up now because opponents are aging and dying off and soon won't matter anymore...'

"The wedding cake as holy sacrament"

'Okay.. what the hell.'

"Just keep quiet and listen to what we have to say."

'He does.'

'Wait a minute - How do we break a tie?'

',,, and if anyone knows of a reason why these two should not be married, let them storm this castle with pitchforks and torches or forever hold their peace,'

'I now pronounce you man and wife, you now may kiss you sweet little bachelor butt goodbye.'

'...honestly I just feel like we don't communicate like we used to!'

"Happy anniversary, dear… 'happy wife, happy life!'" "That's because nothing rhymes with 'happy husband.'"

'No, but thanks for asking,'

'How about joining us for a soda and pizza after the ceremony?'

"I do. Have your people contact my people to hammer out the details."

"What's this for poorer stuff?"

"You may now let me go try to get the sand out of my shoes and suit just in time for my next beach wedding."

'...I now pronounce you man and wife, anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law.'

'Your wife says you act like a fool. I thought you said she never pays attention to you.'

"Excuse me, Reverend, but what, exactly, do you have to do to get a drink around here?"

'Well, that's just great...you can part the Red Sea, but you can't open a jar of pickles for me!'

'Either you do or you don't - there isn't any 'cooling-off' period!'

"If anyone has googled reasons that these two should not be married..."

'No, but thanks for asking.'

'Wait a minute -- you haven't said anything about a retirement age.'

'Silly me, I brought the wrong book -- You two just swore an oath of celibacy.'

"Do you think someday we'll look back on this and laugh?"

Odysseus starts regretting his return to Ithaca.

"First, I'll read the minutes from your last weddings."

"And do you, Stephanie, promise to love, honor and 'obey'?

Bride is angry, as she notices that the groom figure on the cake is drunk.

Bride with a ventriloquist's dummy.

"If either of you know any cause or impediment why you should not be married, INCLUDING YouTube CLIPS, declare it now."

"I hate weddings. They make me feel a momentary lapse of cynicism."

'It's true that my wife does forgive and forget - the trouble is that she never forgets what she's forgiven...'

"Erm, I don't think it meant just before the ceremony!!"

'Doris,do you realize you are destroying a perfectly happy marriage?'