Wedding Officiant Humorist Gifts

'If anyone here objects to the marriage of these two men, speak up now because opponents are aging and dying off and soon won't matter anymore...'

"The wedding cake as holy sacrament"

"Just keep quiet and listen to what we have to say."

'Okay.. what the hell.'

'I now pronounce you man and wife, you now may kiss you sweet little bachelor butt goodbye.'

'He does.'

',,, and if anyone knows of a reason why these two should not be married, let them storm this castle with pitchforks and torches or forever hold their peace,'

'Wait a minute - How do we break a tie?'

'...honestly I just feel like we don't communicate like we used to!'

'How about joining us for a soda and pizza after the ceremony?'

"Happy anniversary, dear… 'happy wife, happy life!'" "That's because nothing rhymes with 'happy husband.'"

'No, but thanks for asking,'

"I do. Have your people contact my people to hammer out the details."

"What's this for poorer stuff?"

"Excuse me, Reverend, but what, exactly, do you have to do to get a drink around here?"

'...I now pronounce you man and wife, anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law.'

'Your wife says you act like a fool. I thought you said she never pays attention to you.'

"You may now let me go try to get the sand out of my shoes and suit just in time for my next beach wedding."

'Well, that's just great...you can part the Red Sea, but you can't open a jar of pickles for me!'

'Either you do or you don't - there isn't any 'cooling-off' period!'

"If anyone has googled reasons that these two should not be married..."

'Wait a minute -- you haven't said anything about a retirement age.'

Odysseus starts regretting his return to Ithaca.

"Do you think someday we'll look back on this and laugh?"

'No, but thanks for asking.'

'Silly me, I brought the wrong book -- You two just swore an oath of celibacy.'

"First, I'll read the minutes from your last weddings."

Bride is angry, as she notices that the groom figure on the cake is drunk.

Bride with a ventriloquist's dummy.

"And do you, Stephanie, promise to love, honor and 'obey'?

"If either of you know any cause or impediment why you should not be married, INCLUDING YouTube CLIPS, declare it now."

"Erm, I don't think it meant just before the ceremony!!"

'I didn't know the church sold an extended warrenty on marriage?'

"I hate weddings. They make me feel a momentary lapse of cynicism."

'Doris,do you realize you are destroying a perfectly happy marriage?'