Marriage Observer Gifts

"If I could choose any age I'd be forty-two again. You were hot when I was forty-two."

"It's his emotional support animal."

'Hi, I'm Bob and I'll be your waiter ... and this is my wife, Susan, and her two children from a former marriage, Jimmy and Cindy.'

Okay, I'll admit I was wrong. But I won't say what I was wrong about.

"I see marriage as a verb, he sees it as a triathlon."

"OK, now what?"

"Mom said mopping up my snow tracks is a good start for my bucket list."

"I need a more interactive you."

Unmanned drones.

"I'm going to New Zealand for a walk."

Waiting Room

'When the baby sitter gets a standing ovation, I don't know whether to be pleasantly surprised or suspicious.'

Junior's Towel

"Think you could teach your kid to throw straight?"

'I admire your persistence, Melvin, but I'm in love with another woman.'

"This article says that the number of elderly living with their children is rising..."

"Why, it's Daphne—home from Foxcroft."

"I got a dog as a replacement child."

'Frankly, don't bother fighting over me: I don't fancy either of you...'

'For Peter's Home and Careers class, he has to take care of this computerized doll of a 23-year-old son who won't move out of the house.'

"Hey, don't forget man's best friend!"

"To the most beautiful girl in the world... Happy Valentine's Day!"

"You must be brave now, Randolph! You. . . You. . . You are adopted!"

"It's a cereal box. It's not supposed to be interactive!"

Step Mom's Diner: Under New Management.

"You're grinding your teeth again."

"Believe me, Alice, you didn't miss a thing. It wasn't even a party—it was a positioning event."

'Miron, stop teasing your brother this instant or I swear I will eat you! Don't think I won't! Remember what happened to your older brother Milton?!"

People in street, "Ooh doesn't he take after his dad"

"No, Father, they're not praying. They're texting."

'Mom & her new husband' and 'Pop & his live-in girlfriend'.

'The trial marriage was going okay, until a surprise witness showed up.'

"Once you leave your safe-space, you can never go back again."

"I could see my mating dance had caught her eye, so I put more energy into it, but I ended up sweaty and out of breath: she lost interest then. . ."

'You may have to go through the pain barrier today.'