Marital Mirth Gifts

"Hey, honey! I thought of something else you can put on your restraining order."

'I feel like exercising. Have you seen my tennis shoes?'

"My husband is taking me on a cruise, so I’m looking for a book that will help me forget that I’m on a cruise with my husband."

'Wait a minute - How do we break a tie?'

"Garden variety allergies."

'Who wants to be examined first?'

"I feel like tearing of all your clothes and putting them in the washing machine."

"It's nothing, go back to sleep. I was just getting a DNA sample."

"Yes, I've made three resolutions - not to drink less, not to stop watching football on telly and not to spend more time at your mother's."

'Looks like the Wentworths are still on the outs.'

'Can't you be happy without forever whistling?'

"No heroic measures."

"At least you don't have a needy husband and an angry dog."

'My wife likes it when I help out in the kitchen.'

"What do you mean I never take you anywhere? We're here, aren't we?"

"Would it kill you to help around the house for once?!"

"You never tell me you love me." "I told ya' once. I'll let you know if anything changes."

'You were nagging your husband all over the road. I'll need to see your marriage license.'

"You're lucky your garden failed. If I'd had to can it, it would've been your marriage."

"His last words were 'Yodel-ay-he-hoo.'"

'He's probably charming the pants off your receptionist'

"You know what I bet it is? I bet we're breaking up but we just don't realize it yet."

'you should know my wife thinks I'm stupid.'

"Where has the magic gone, George?"

"'Till death do you part?"

"Is that your answer for everything...fold in a stick of butter?"

'I don't mind him smoking in bed. . .But not herrings.'

"I don't like this hot dish."

"By my count, that is the 27th last cast."

'His mother wants to know if you'll give him a haircut after you remove his tonsils.'

"I'm so sorry, I never meant for you to find out this way."

"My wife got the sails in the divorce."