Marital Challenger Gifts

"The orgasms were real. But I faked the kids."

"Yes, Mother. I still have trouble getting the attention of people."

'We never go anywhere together except here.'

"He doesn't fiscally stimulate me anymore."

'I told my wife she had to choose between me and that precious boat of her's. She called my bluff. Can I sleep on your couch?'

"Greta, look! The first dysfunctional family of winter!"

'Will I still be married?'

"That's for staying married for thirty-five years to a difficult woman."

"We're only staying together for the sake of our marriage guidance counsellor."

'I'm writing my New Year's resolutions.' - 'I resolve to finish everything that I start.'

"What do you mean asking you to marry me via text wasn't romantic? Did you see the emoji with hearts for eyes I attached?"

"We were so happy doc. . . but then she changed!"

'He's not the man I married. In fact, none of them are.'

"My wife is constantly invading my personal space. I think she gets it from her family."

"And do you, Courtney, take this man....Courtney!"

"I mean it this time Brian, it's either me or the jazz!"

'We blow hot and cold. He argues it's too hot and I say it's too cold.'

'I'm sorry, but 'I'll see how I feel on the night' isn't really acceptable.'

"Quite frankly, I've had a gut-full of all his Shakespearean drama!"

'In defense of forgetting our anniversary, I forgot we're married.'

'None for me, thanks. It might improve my mood.'

"Now, if something happens to your marriage, do you want do-not resuscitate?"

'To be totally honest, our ship of matrimony is taking on water.'

"I admire your devotion to duty."

'Jack's wife left him for the dustman.'

'I have an even better idea, Steve -- let's get married without living together!'

"Do you promise to love and be faithful to each other for the next 28 days and then see where it goes from there?"

"I said to him eventually, I said marriage is something you're just going to have to do on your own."

Sadie, why have you been cheating on Mort? I needed to spice things up. Amanda Kern. Comics counseling. Mort and I have been together for years and we just don't argue the way we used to. Argue? I mean, sure, we fight but not with any real intensity. I'm confused. We've lost that loathing feeling. It's gone, gone, gone.

'Come on, you can make it work! You're supposed to be Lovebirds after all...'

'I've been married to your sister for 9 years, so why should I be scared of you?'

"I never want to speak to you again, but I'm find with sex and other non-verbal activities."

Silent Fight #8997

"My wife has been walking five miles a day. I think she's somewhere in the middle of Pennsylvania now."

"Have you seen my mind? My wife thinks I've lost it."