Man-child Humor Enthusiast Pillows

"No. 3 step forward and whine, 'Please, Mom, I'm forty-four years old—I can tie my own tie.'"

You can't just switch them. If your wife asked you to change the baby, she probably meant the diaper.

"Your mother and I are feeling overwhelmed, so you'll have to bring yourselves up."

'He's bound to wake up sometime!'

My 5-year-old nephew cut his hair! His mom was so upset until she thought: 'Wait a minute! I just saved 12 bucks!'

'Budget cuts have forced us to drop our day-care program. I've contacted your mother to come and pick you up.'

"Have you met my bodyguard?"

"You're crappin' in the closet again, Claude."

'I'm doing a school report on 'the aging process,' Dad -- can I interview you?'

"We've intended to ask you about it for some time, Doctor, but never got around to it."

"We're going to pay for your obedience school but after that you're on your own."

'Now listen: The big hairy ones are the hunters, while the smaller ones with long hair are the gatherers...'

"I'm back. My family didn't want to spend more time with me."

Mummy?!

'Dad, how come we never see and of them in flight?'

"I can't mow the lawn today. A bug just flew up my nose."

'He didn't learn that from me!'

"Mom, when the baby's born, can I have the bubble wrap it's shipped in?"

'His dad was!'

"Put it on my tab."

"If something is neither here nor there, where is it?"

'You know, it's amazing what having a child costs you when you add it all up.'

'We couldn't afford school pictures this year so Timmy is doing the family portraits.'

"But mom, I can't clean my room now. I just won the Kids Bedroom Seal of Approval!"

'Actually both my kids are twins...'

"Dad since my pocket money isn't index linked, you've forced me to have to renegotiate."

How Moms explain.

"Junior's moved back home! It took him less than a week to work out that the grass is not always greener on the other side..."

'Of course the tooth fairy never came. Those were your Grandma's false teeth you put under your pillow.'

'He's got your mother's teeth.'

"When can I redeploy?"

'Mom, would you have married Dad if you had seen him in high definition first?'