Lover Of Witty Reads Pillows

"It's a book about how to ask for a raise, '50 shades of Pay'."

'I've got no problem with December, but what do I blog about the rest of the year?'

'Sorry, but I do not recall that incident either.'

"It doesn't look much like a 'witty painting' now, does it sir?"

"The Loyalty Card program has changed. Management now requires you to get a Loyalty Forehead Tattoo of the bar's logo."

Florist delivers Cactus to Man on Bed of Nails

"Excuse me, officer, but I believe I'm entitled to one mating call..."

My army drill instructors license plate is HUP-2-3-4.

'Sorry I'm late -- the Principal held me for questioning.'

Spiv

G.K. Chesterton.

'We dicovered that this cures hypochondria without administering it.'

'What are you implying?'

'There are no skeletons in the closets but you might have a bit of trouble with those in the back yard.'

Home Business - Wife.

'Pavlov's first experiment'

"Hey, David...what's a five letter noun for someone I couldn't live without...oh yeah, kitty!"

"What keeps me going? The tightening feeling in my chest that if I stop, I'll die."

'You could have just TOLD me we were out of cups!'

"Does it occur to you that the only thing separating us is a basket of bar snacks? And a flimsy basket at that?"

"Can I have a knife and fork, please."

"The Pain may be due to your Yin and Yang being out of alignment, but humour me and lets see if your broken let is part of the problem."

Advertising makes you crave things you never knew existed.

Salmon swimming up-stream, "Don't you get tired of overcoming obstacles"

"Mind if I have the guys over to watch some poker?"

"I came here because my photography work is suffering - everybody on social media says they love my abstract pictures. The problem is, I do landscape pictures."

"I don't know about turning, but I was tossing all night."

Dentist preparing woodwork drill for dentistry.

'You look lovely today.'