Lover Of Witty Reads T-Shirts

"It's a book about how to ask for a raise, '50 shades of Pay'."

'I've got no problem with December, but what do I blog about the rest of the year?'

To paraphrase Humphrey Bogart in "Casablanca," "Of all the comic strips in all the newspapers in all the world, you walk into mine." ? ? ?

Professor Ernie's history of philosophy. Rene Descartes had a difficult childhood. I think, therefore I am! I know you are, but what am I?!

"It doesn't look much like a 'witty painting' now, does it sir?"

" ... and this is my wife - I'm legally obligated to tell you that."

'Sorry, but I do not recall that incident either.'

Would you like something from the bar, miss? It looks like you might need it.

'Sorry I'm late -- the Principal held me for questioning.'

"The Loyalty Card program has changed. Management now requires you to get a Loyalty Forehead Tattoo of the bar's logo."

Florist delivers Cactus to Man on Bed of Nails

"Excuse me, officer, but I believe I'm entitled to one mating call..."

Spiv

My army drill instructors license plate is HUP-2-3-4.

G.K. Chesterton.

'What are you implying?'

'We dicovered that this cures hypochondria without administering it.'

'You could have just TOLD me we were out of cups!'

"Does it occur to you that the only thing separating us is a basket of bar snacks? And a flimsy basket at that?"

"What keeps me going? The tightening feeling in my chest that if I stop, I'll die."

'Pavlov's first experiment'

The first step is losing the illusion that you're in control of your actions.

'There are no skeletons in the closets but you might have a bit of trouble with those in the back yard.'

"Can I have a knife and fork, please."

"Hey, David...what's a five letter noun for someone I couldn't live without...oh yeah, kitty!"

Home Business - Wife.

"The Pain may be due to your Yin and Yang being out of alignment, but humour me and lets see if your broken let is part of the problem."

Advertising makes you crave things you never knew existed.

Salmon swimming up-stream, "Don't you get tired of overcoming obstacles"

'You look lovely today.'

Dentist preparing woodwork drill for dentistry.

"I don't know about turning, but I was tossing all night."

"I came here because my photography work is suffering - everybody on social media says they love my abstract pictures. The problem is, I do landscape pictures."

Penny for your lack of thoughts.

"Mind if I have the guys over to watch some poker?"