Fan Of Witty Humor T-Shirts

"No, John. You know I'll only end up hurting you."

"This is not going to help my Messianic complex, doctor."

"The Loyalty Card program has changed. Management now requires you to get a Loyalty Forehead Tattoo of the bar's logo."

'I'm not coldhearted I'm just cold and I'm leaving you for someone with a furnace.'

'Thanks but we really can't accept...'

'Enter my Pin! D'you think it might possibly not have occurred to me that that's what I need to do next?'

'On a global scale, women tend to migrate rather from east to west...or like birds do, from north to south...'

Captain Corcoran, Commander of H.M.S. Pinafore

"Bless You."

A Golden Non-Retriever

"Yes, "breeding like rabbits" is often used in a pejorative sense. The truth is, we don't care as we love having kids..."

"Oh boy, by the way this guy is moving, we can assume he's got some of our friends in his pants..."

"I love this time of year."

Tunnel of Accountants: "You've been selected for a random audit."

'I hear he has a reputation as a loose Canon.'

"My reflexes are not what they used to be: This is how I catch birds now..."

One day having a great personality was going to become a crucial evolutionary trait...

'Nah, the Boss ain't in yet. Can I 'elp?'

"Does it occur to you that the only thing separating us is a basket of bar snacks? And a flimsy basket at that?"

Home Business - Wife.

"Hey, David...what's a five letter noun for someone I couldn't live without...oh yeah, kitty!"

Beach Attraction

I slept funny last night!

"It's not as good a deal as it sounds - it's based on THEIR lifetime."

'You're sexy when your mind is somewhere else.'

"I came here because my photography work is suffering - everybody on social media says they love my abstract pictures. The problem is, I do landscape pictures."

A Human balloon being sold to a child balloon.

Sheet Music

'You look lovely today.'

New Shoes.

"I don't know about turning, but I was tossing all night."

"Mind if I have the guys over to watch some poker?"

"We're heading south for the winter—any chance we can get the place again next spring?"

He saw a bright white light, but it was no heaven.

"Don't mind him, he's just my pet peeve."