Fan Of Witty Comics T-Shirts

"Mind if I have the guys over to watch some poker?"

Would you like something from the bar, miss? It looks like you might need it.

"Now there's something you don't see everyday. How long have you been using dachshunds as sled dogs.?"

Tunnel of Accountants: "You've been selected for a random audit."

"He calls himself orange roughy, but I remember when his name was slimehead."

'He thinks he's the cat's meow ever since he was made department head.'

'Sorry I'm late -- the Principal held me for questioning.'

"The Loyalty Card program has changed. Management now requires you to get a Loyalty Forehead Tattoo of the bar's logo."

Need to know basis

Home Business - Wife.

"Does it occur to you that the only thing separating us is a basket of bar snacks? And a flimsy basket at that?"

"Hey, David...what's a five letter noun for someone I couldn't live without...oh yeah, kitty!"

Play dead. We have to make them think their new sprays work.

Eskimos Rowing Out to Igloo

'You're sexy when your mind is somewhere else.'

Sheet Music

"I came here because my photography work is suffering - everybody on social media says they love my abstract pictures. The problem is, I do landscape pictures."

'You look lovely today.'

"We're heading south for the winter—any chance we can get the place again next spring?"

"No offense..."

You must be this tall to bump head on sign.

"You're a plumber, I'm a doctor. Now that I've given you some free medical advice, how about stepping into my kitchen and fixing my leaky faucet?"

'...Dewey, you go long. I'll take th snap and... Ohhhh, man! Who just sprayed?'

"I have no problem with reality. It's just the occasional intrusion of gritty realism that I hate."

I started writing crossword puzzles when I realized it was the only chance I'd ever have of finishing one.

Society for Asking Stupid Questions

Baseball signs.

'Between you and me, I'd rather be me.'

"Phil!"

Bird Feeder Restaurant

Honest Harry's Last Chance Pet Adoption...

"Yep, I was the little runt you used to tease all the time! Guess what, I had a late growth spurt..."

"I wish you'd shut that door! - Were you born in a barn??"

"Me, after years of begging, I was finally allowed into the house yesterday. You know what, it was kind of a letdown..."

'Oh, come on! you know I can't read.'