Lover Of Clever Humor Pillows

"It's not enough that we succeed. Cats must also fail."

'We dicovered that this cures hypochondria without administering it.'

I want to thank you for offering to walk me home. I'd invite you in, but I don't really live here.

"The book ends are for people who like to read between the lions."

Albert Einstein

'It appears he hit an iceberg.' (A LETTUCE)

'I AM a magician! When I wake up granddad from his nap, I turn Gramps into Grumps!'

'Mint?! These taste like cardboard!'

Tunnel of Accountants: "You've been selected for a random audit."

Fetch the Boomerang

'Whoops. There goes one of my prostheses.'

Clown's knee reflex sends doctor through ceiling

"Sir? - it's clowntime."

"…And what do you think the cracker might represent?"

"I'm suffering from TeaParytyitis."

"You're not in the gym Gary!"

"The Loyalty Card program has changed. Management now requires you to get a Loyalty Forehead Tattoo of the bar's logo."

Florist delivers Cactus to Man on Bed of Nails

"Excuse me, officer, but I believe I'm entitled to one mating call..."

'You had me at hell.'

'How can you stand to listen to dozens of crazy people and stay sane?' - 'Who listens?.'

Road signs of Aging

Wanted: dishwasher or handsome rich guy.

'Pavlov's first experiment'

Mitch Decides to Take A 15 Minute Coffee Break To Voice His Opinion.

"Hey, David...what's a five letter noun for someone I couldn't live without...oh yeah, kitty!"

'This building inspector is so darn obstinate and bullheaded.'

"Does it occur to you that the only thing separating us is a basket of bar snacks? And a flimsy basket at that?"

'You could have just TOLD me we were out of cups!'

Home Business - Wife.

The first step is losing the illusion that you're in control of your actions.

Sex Score

'There are no skeletons in the closets but you might have a bit of trouble with those in the back yard.'

'I think you'd enjoy it even more if you understood Newton's Laws of Motion.'

"You really miss the old grandfather, don't you dear."