Lover Of Witty Nature Pillows

Salmon swimming up-stream, "Don't you get tired of overcoming obstacles"

'Think how all that chatting is affecting global warming.'

Freudian Bar & Grill...Jungian Pub: 'We can out drink those Freudians ant day of the week!...'And twice on Sunday!' ...'Yeah!' ... e

'I've got no problem with December, but what do I blog about the rest of the year?'

"I love this time of year."

Happy Hour 5-7. (Not really an hour, not really happy.) At last, truth in advertising.

"You are aware that’s a golf ball?"

Split the last one?

Professor Ernie's history of philosophy. Rene Descartes had a difficult childhood. I think, therefore I am! I know you are, but what am I?!

To paraphrase Humphrey Bogart in "Casablanca," "Of all the comic strips in all the newspapers in all the world, you walk into mine." ? ? ?

"Just the steak for me and my friend will have the carbon dioxide and the water with the sunlight."

'Sorry, but I do not recall that incident either.'

Cold caller.

When Stupid People Get an Idea

"It doesn't look much like a 'witty painting' now, does it sir?"

" ... and this is my wife - I'm legally obligated to tell you that."

The Gilmore Girls

'Good, lots of waxy buildup.'

'Sure you always catch bigger fish than me. Your arms are a foot longer than mine.'

Spiv

'The part I like best about sex is when I light a cigarette and say next.'

"Your Honor, I would like the record to state that Mr. Katzman is a 'hostile witness'."

My army drill instructors license plate is HUP-2-3-4.

"Tom, we've started a little office pool on how long it'll take me to get your job. Want in?"

"The Loyalty Card program has changed. Management now requires you to get a Loyalty Forehead Tattoo of the bar's logo."

G.K. Chesterton.

'We dicovered that this cures hypochondria without administering it.'

Home Business - Wife.

"It's a book about how to ask for a raise, '50 shades of Pay'."

"Can I have a knife and fork, please."

"What keeps me going? The tightening feeling in my chest that if I stop, I'll die."

"Does it occur to you that the only thing separating us is a basket of bar snacks? And a flimsy basket at that?"

"Hey, David...what's a five letter noun for someone I couldn't live without...oh yeah, kitty!"

Advertising makes you crave things you never knew existed.

'You Honor, my client would like to change his plea to 'pretty please with sugar on it.''