Lover Of Witty Banter Pillows

"The man I dated wasn't honest with me. He told me he earns six figures. He never told me that includes the decimal."

Kiss My A**/Wipe Your Feet!

"Does it occur to you that the only thing separating us is a basket of bar snacks? And a flimsy basket at that?"

"How about if I was the last guy on the planet!?"

Home Business - Wife.

"No offense..."

Smart Ass - Wise Ass

"I don't know if I can do 'Gilmore Girls' today. I'm not sure I'm feeling up for anything involving witty yet poignant repartee."

Freudian Bar & Grill...Jungian Pub: 'We can out drink those Freudians ant day of the week!...'And twice on Sunday!' ...'Yeah!' ... e

'If you must know, yes, I do sometimes fake purring.'

"I'll have a man overboard!"

"I love this time of year."

"I never make the same mistake twice. I make it 5-6 times, just to be sure."

The Gilmore Girls

A lesson in wit

When Stupid People Get an Idea

Cold caller.

'Sure you always catch bigger fish than me. Your arms are a foot longer than mine.'

"Tom, we've started a little office pool on how long it'll take me to get your job. Want in?"

"The Loyalty Card program has changed. Management now requires you to get a Loyalty Forehead Tattoo of the bar's logo."

'Yeah, but tomorrow I'll be sober, and you'll still be a giraffe!'

Know-it-alls

"Yeah, I know why you pulled me over. But, c'mon. I'm down to half a pack a day and I'm tryin' to quit."

"Your Honor, I would like the record to state that Mr. Katzman is a 'hostile witness'."

'The part I like best about sex is when I light a cigarette and say next.'

'We dicovered that this cures hypochondria without administering it.'

"What?! You didn't say nuthin' about this bein' a yo' mam joke battle!"

'With Myrna and I, it was love at first slight.'

"It's a book about how to ask for a raise, '50 shades of Pay'."

'Sorry, I don't carry cash, I'm married!'

"At work, they call me benchmark."

"Hey, David...what's a five letter noun for someone I couldn't live without...oh yeah, kitty!"

"Any chance of some credit?"

'You Honor, my client would like to change his plea to 'pretty please with sugar on it.''

Salmon swimming up-stream, "Don't you get tired of overcoming obstacles"