Losing A Husband Gifts

'That contains my late husband's ashes - in the most fitting urn I could find!'

"The document states that you've been left your mother's jowls and upper arm flab."

"As the executor for your mother's estate, let me say that she loved each of you, but she also loved Las Vegas."

"...until death do you a favor."

'He was a great writer'

'What - no internet? No USB ports? No socket for the coffee machine? No phone? Are you crazy? My husband was a very important CEO!'

Remember my mum? I took that photo a week before she died. There's one of me...that was a good haircut.

"I guess when your husband dies you'll really understand what they mean by a statistical death."

"I always spend New Year's surrounded by loved ones."

'Yes, death signifies a cosmic change of address. Alas, your husband's mail will not be forwarded.'

Setting out the bedding plants was one of his few remaining pleasures,

"We laughed. We cried. But mostly we watched TV."

"I know you've been together a long time, but I'm sorry... Your microbiome can't follow you in."

'Your uncle donated his brain to Harvard and, unfortunately, they used it to figure out a way to get the rest of his money.'

'Harry! - If you can hear me - what did you do with the remote!?'

"I feel terrible admitting this, but I'm sort of glad he's dead. One less thing to keep track of."

Postcards from Heaven...

'Would you like the ECG tracing of your father's death? It's the least we can do.'

'He doesn't talk to me anymore.'

"So, Gilbert was your friend who fought in Vietnam?"

'Grief counselling'

John Ixon: Ran Out of Survival Tips.

Cemetery: Communicated with your loved one see Madam Zolta within.

"What? Too soon?"

"Sorry, wrong room."

"And now, let us view sitcom star Donnie J. Kroft's reading of his will, which was videotaped before a live studio audience."

"You'll be able to talk to your husband. I have video conferencing."

"I'm afraid Larry sleeps with more than just the fishes."

"The family has spent all week crafting a beautiful service of words and pictures - far too sentimental to be of practical use."

Here lies BoBo the Clown

"We got him onto an exercise bike, but I'm afraid it was too late."

"Although the estate will be distributed equally, your father wanted you all to know that Keith was his favorite, followed by..."

Live Flower/Vase Flower - 'Julia?'

"Being married to her was the most miserable experience of my life, but I was able to develop a sitcom out of it."

"Damn, I forgot to get her kugel recipe."