Literary Rival Pillows

'You're an interesting combination of shallow and thick.'

'My imaginary playmate can whip your imaginary playmate!'

Genius Envy

"So what's this special distracting tactic you've developed?"

'Stamp collecting has gotten more competitive.'

The Sculptor

A heated argument between dons of applied maths and ancient history.

"Virginia Woolf meets 'Car Talk.'"

"Jones ... don't use that 'I'm only human' excuse with me again!"

Opening arguments would begin after the intimidation round.

'Knock it off, you two. This is why I hate double dating.'

"I never got a chance to say 'Shut up.' "

"It's not enough that I succeed. My friends must also be drawn and quartered."

Mathematicians' put down.

"Don't call me ska face!"

'Oi! Take your eyes off 'im - he's my bitch!'

'Darling, didn't you hear? Black is the new black.'

"When you're finished not looking at here, can you divert your non-attention to me?"

"That settles it, John! We're getting this bike a tune-up!"

Eggnog recipes

"You heard the lady, buddy - she already has legal representation!"

'He's just messing with your mind.'

"It happened at a book burning. It was one of those books I couldn't put down."

"They say jogging is the top sport today..."

'It tasted nice until you told me she cooked it!'

'I guess if I looked half as good in the morning as her, you'd spend breakfast with me?'

"You still need that recipe for boiling water?"

'Prepare to have chowder kick your Tuscan butt.'

"Watch out for his divine right, Kid."

"I know what you're thinking and you should be ashamed of yourself."

Mr. Tappertit's jealousy