Literary Rival Gifts

'You're an interesting combination of shallow and thick.'

'My imaginary playmate can whip your imaginary playmate!'

Genius Envy

"So what's this special distracting tactic you've developed?"

'Stamp collecting has gotten more competitive.'

The Sculptor

Yale makes better lock than rival Harvard.

A heated argument between dons of applied maths and ancient history.

"Virginia Woolf meets 'Car Talk.'"

"@#!!!%$ the critics!! Give me Bobby $#@!! Flay!!"

"Jones ... don't use that 'I'm only human' excuse with me again!"

Opening arguments would begin after the intimidation round.

'Knock it off, you two. This is why I hate double dating.'

"It's the Garden Street book club. They wanna rumble!"

"I never got a chance to say 'Shut up.' "

'Oi! Take your eyes off 'im - he's my bitch!'

"When you're finished not looking at here, can you divert your non-attention to me?"

'Darling, didn't you hear? Black is the new black.'

Theoresentful

"It's not enough that I succeed. My friends must also be drawn and quartered."

Mathematicians' put down.

"Don't call me ska face!"

"That settles it, John! We're getting this bike a tune-up!"

"You heard the lady, buddy - she already has legal representation!"

Eggnog recipes

Oh, stop trying to impress the witness with all your fancy legal mumbo jumbo, your honor. I saw her first!

'He's just messing with your mind.'

"They say jogging is the top sport today..."

'It tasted nice until you told me she cooked it!'

'I guess if I looked half as good in the morning as her, you'd spend breakfast with me?'

"You still need that recipe for boiling water?"

"It happened at a book burning. It was one of those books I couldn't put down."

'Prepare to have chowder kick your Tuscan butt.'

"Watch out for his divine right, Kid."

Mr. Tappertit's jealousy