Academic Rival Pillows

Opening arguments would begin after the intimidation round.

My low PGA scores beats your honor students high GPA scores any day!

Yale makes better lock than rival Harvard.

A heated argument between dons of applied maths and ancient history.

Mathematicians' put down.

Ethics exam cheater.

"I had all the right answers, but I had them in the wrong order."

'The C minus was sufficient. I didn't need the advice against hiring a literary agent.'

"It says 'break glass' but it doesn't say what glass!'

"Sorry mum, but I just don't get the decimal system..."

I'm getting ready to apply for college. Do you have a list of party schools?

"I was planning to grow old with Matthew Nelson, but it looks like I'll be growing old with my algebra teacher."

'She flunked me, but I plea-bargained my way up to a C-plus!'

Genius Envy

"Excuse me, Professor. I think I might have spotted a flaw in your theory!"

'You're flunking me? -- What about the statute of limitations?'

Chicken soup for the adjunct professors soul

"I swear, Mr. Drumpf, I meant it in the best sense of the word." "Mr. Drumpf is a moron."

"An excellent defense. Let's give her the doctorate."

'And from this point follow me very carefully.'

Professor McWit, Didn't Publish, So Perished.

'Yes, your papers seem to have lots of citations, but I've checked: They're all self-citations...'

"If we only use 10% of our brains, how am I supposed to get passing grades?"

Examiners.

Too much homework: kid with two backpacks.

'What makes me mad, I was only a couple seats away from all the right answers!'

"Ted doesn't test well."

Graduating students asking for cash donations.

"Don't pull any wisdom teeth. I need all the help I can get in school."

'I'll pause for your moans and groans.'

'Nah, the circus ain't what it used to be. It's got all fancy and hard since Circ de Something started.'

"That Melinda Alvarez thinks she's so smart! Well, I've been studying, and I'm gonna teach her a lesson on the test we have today!"

"About these experiements of yours into genetic cloning, Bond" boomed the Headmaster, "They must cease immediately"

"You know you're in trouble when you stop praying for the answers and start begging."

"I've got news for you. Kids don't have a union and doing your homework is not negotiable."