Academic Rivals Pillows

"You still need that recipe for boiling water?"

"I had all the right answers, but I had them in the wrong order."

"It says 'break glass' but it doesn't say what glass!'

"Sorry mum, but I just don't get the decimal system..."

"I was planning to grow old with Matthew Nelson, but it looks like I'll be growing old with my algebra teacher."

Genius Envy

'She flunked me, but I plea-bargained my way up to a C-plus!'

"Excuse me, Professor. I think I might have spotted a flaw in your theory!"

Chicken soup for the adjunct professors soul

"An excellent defense. Let's give her the doctorate."

Yale makes better lock than rival Harvard.

'And from this point follow me very carefully.'

Professor McWit, Didn't Publish, So Perished.

"If we only use 10% of our brains, how am I supposed to get passing grades?"

Examiners.

"Ted doesn't test well."

Too much homework: kid with two backpacks.

'What makes me mad, I was only a couple seats away from all the right answers!'

Graduating students asking for cash donations.

"Don't pull any wisdom teeth. I need all the help I can get in school."

A heated argument between dons of applied maths and ancient history.

'I'll pause for your moans and groans.'

"That Melinda Alvarez thinks she's so smart! Well, I've been studying, and I'm gonna teach her a lesson on the test we have today!"

Opening arguments would begin after the intimidation round.

"You know you're in trouble when you stop praying for the answers and start begging."

Truth In Education

Contest to enter the University

"'C' isn't EITHER the new 'A'!"

'At least you won't have to worry about the rising costs of a college education.'

'You're an interesting combination of shallow and thick.'

Beat me, kick me, make me do story problems.

'I've gotten over my fear of tests, but now I seem to have developed studying anxiety.'

'The good news is that you don't have any long-term memory loss. The bad news is it's all MIDTERM memory loss.'

Universe Challenge

'...no you can't phone a friend!'