Literal Humor Fans Pillows

Relax...it's only fleas!

"You're going to hate yourself."

Multi-Generational Books

"Consider yourself lucky that you only got a little shaken up in that dryer--socks get lost in that thing and aren't ever seen again.'

"I can never remember - do these go in garbage or compost?"

God not-too-happy with the Humans sticking a 'Closing DOWN Sale!' sign on planet Earth

"I’ve heard of them barking at the moon, but never scatting at the sun."

A Golden Non-Retriever

Coming Soon! More Stuff You Could Live Without!

'We found you in a cabbage!'

In utero...boy, THOSE were the days!

Tequila Mockingbird

"Maybe I'm aiming too high...maybe 'saving for a cool car' is too hard."

'NO, it DOESN'T come on DISC!'

"Pumpkin spice has been very good to me."

"Mr. Pope, please give this summons to your boss. The prosecutor wants to know how god can allow so much misery."

"Beyond the fine starting salary, the job of a poet laureate at this corporation also carries with it an excellent medical and dental plan."

'Guess who's teething?'

"You're on 'Ask Sadie.' What's your problem?!" "I want to go back to work." "But my son is still so young. I'd have to send him to preschool or day care. And then most of my salary would go to pay for that. So what should I do?" "You should do what we did in my day: Have six more kids and then let them all fend for themselves!" "If your eldest isn't a strong leader, it may get a little 'Lord of the Flies'-ish, but that builds character!" "...in the survivors."

"Oh boy, by the way this guy is moving, we can assume he's got some of our friends in his pants..."

'You've made a breakthrough in FINANCIAL research?', 'Yep! - I split the ATM!'

"Sorry, coffee is delivered by a union shop and you banned all things union."

"Relax, he could just be looking for fun."

Recipes for comfort drinks.

'Well, the marriage guidance counsellor advised us to share each others interests, didn't she?'

'Henry, cut that out.'

'Wait a minute... What the heck is frankincense?'

Sure, snoring is a big issue at our house too: you've seen the size of my dad's nose...

Advent Calender.

Under New Mismanagement

"What?!"

"Oh you kids and that cursed painting in the closet keep me young."

"Wouldn't this one look nice shrivelled up in the kitchen?"

"When you said we were going to push the boat out tonight, I thought you meant we were going to a fancy restaurant!"

"He's our new trend-spotter?"