Literal Humor Fans Gifts

Relax...it's only fleas!

"You're going to hate yourself."

Multi-Generational Books

God not-too-happy with the Humans sticking a 'Closing DOWN Sale!' sign on planet Earth

"I can never remember - do these go in garbage or compost?"

"Consider yourself lucky that you only got a little shaken up in that dryer--socks get lost in that thing and aren't ever seen again.'

A Golden Non-Retriever

Coming Soon! More Stuff You Could Live Without!

'We found you in a cabbage!'

In utero...boy, THOSE were the days!

"I’ve heard of them barking at the moon, but never scatting at the sun."

Tequila Mockingbird

'NO, it DOESN'T come on DISC!'

"Pumpkin spice has been very good to me."

"Mr. Pope, please give this summons to your boss. The prosecutor wants to know how god can allow so much misery."

'Guess who's teething?'

"Beyond the fine starting salary, the job of a poet laureate at this corporation also carries with it an excellent medical and dental plan."

"Sorry, coffee is delivered by a union shop and you banned all things union."

'You've made a breakthrough in FINANCIAL research?', 'Yep! - I split the ATM!'

"You're on 'Ask Sadie.' What's your problem?!" "I want to go back to work." "But my son is still so young. I'd have to send him to preschool or day care. And then most of my salary would go to pay for that. So what should I do?" "You should do what we did in my day: Have six more kids and then let them all fend for themselves!" "If your eldest isn't a strong leader, it may get a little 'Lord of the Flies'-ish, but that builds character!" "...in the survivors."

'Well, the marriage guidance counsellor advised us to share each others interests, didn't she?'

Recipes for comfort drinks.

'Henry, cut that out.'

"Relax, he could just be looking for fun."

"Oh boy, by the way this guy is moving, we can assume he's got some of our friends in his pants..."

'Wait a minute... What the heck is frankincense?'

"When you said we were going to push the boat out tonight, I thought you meant we were going to a fancy restaurant!"

Beer Lunch

Under New Mismanagement

Sure, snoring is a big issue at our house too: you've seen the size of my dad's nose...

"Oh you kids and that cursed painting in the closet keep me young."

Advent Calender.

"He's our new trend-spotter?"

'We do have something in Real Estate for an individual who's willing to starve for a year before turning to the office supplies.'

"More please."