List-making Hopeful Gifts

'No, I still haven't gotten around to making my 'to-do' list yet. . .'

'Do you think, perhaps, that we could start shooting for a few longer-term goals around here?'

"Just another 50 decibels on your grunt and we can start to think about letting you hit a few balls!"

'There will be no raises this year since the state now has a lottery.'

'As a famous writer, could you do something to help jumpstart my career?'

"If you saw a book with the title 'An American Speaks Out,' would you buy it?"

"Hey, there's Sara, padding her college-entrance résumé!"

'The bad news is you failed all your courses. The good news is you passed the urine test.'

The novel was printed and in the stores ... any minute now, the world would beat down his door.

Comparing lottery odds with bus punctuality.

"That's my novel."

'Wow! no doubt about it son!...You'll grow up to be President of the United States!'

"I'll bet Miss Parker gets teacher of the year for this."

'Don't jump. It's a book publisher!'

'I'm sure I've forgotten something. I got change from a fifty.'

'Congratulations. You're our 15th caller. The grant is yours!'

Waiting to be discovered, or taken to work, whichever comes first...

'But Mum, I've got to practise if I want to join a circus when I grow up!'

toothpaste, potatoes, chicken, spinach, ice cream, butter,bread...

'I'm sorry but we don't have athletic scholarships for video games.'

"When I grow up, I'm going to be a business owner, or president, or the doctor who discovers the cure for cancer!"

'My story? I was phoning my boss when I thought the sweepstake's people were at my door and I told him to take his job and shove it.'

'Instead of being just like Michael Jordan, I wanna be just like Barack.'

'Nothing from the Nobel Committee or the National Endowment for the Arts, but 'Joe' wants you to write some napkins for his bar.'

"Dang! There I am! I'm in Riding Low magazine! You know what this means? My life will change forever...I'm a celebrity...people will ask for my autograph!"

"Tonight's lotto numbers are..."

"There's got to be a better way to break into show business than appearing on Hot Ones."

"In terms of career guidance, access to A-list talent, and studio relationships, you couldn't sign with a better rehab clinic."

"While we certainly congratulate you on your acceptance to the University of Hawaii, Sandra..."

A writer walks over water towards a publisher

'I was close to winning the pools this Saturday. The bloke next door won.'

"Ever have days when you just feel like winning the lottery and quitting?"

'I just wrote a novel on this phone and sent it to 137 publishers and got back 129 rejections in 12 seconds.'