Lighthearted Patient Gifts

"I see there's been an improvement in your athlete's foot."

"Good news, Mr. Pickett—it's just a slow leak."

Man sitting in hospital bed notices a Goldfish swimming in his Intravenous Bag.

'Very funny!'

"Do you suffer from headaches?"

'Do you have to use that? -- tongue depressors make me hungry.'

'It's nothing that a few stem cells and 75 years of research can't fix.'

'Good news! Throwing yourself at the mercy of the cholesterol seems to have worked.'

"That's right - 'What doesn't kill me makes me stronger.' You just keep on thinking that..."

'You don't have a heart murmur, but your liver is muttering.'

'Admit it,you've been bothering the nurses again,haven't you?

'Gee, Doc - couldn't you just use a rubber mallet to check my reflexes?'

The New Age Dentist.

"Hi! My name is Dr. Jenkins and welcome to 'This is your disease'."

Neuro Surgery. Staff only. Sorry, that took longer than I expected --- He has a lot of nerve!

'What do you mean, I get a reprieve from my wife's cooking? My wife is a cook here at the hospital.'

Give it to me straight, Doc — what's the bottom line?

'Regarding the surgery you just had - I hope you have a good sense of humour.'

'I had a stomach ache, so I took bicarb of soda and went to bed early. Did I do the right thing?'

"Don't be alarmed! The Doctor's chiropractor recommended he work like this!"

'Pick something you can tolerate from this list of side effects and I'll prescribe something appropriate.'

"Health insurance? Waking up breathing each morning is my health insurance!"

'Apparently the drugs make me hallucinate, not that I've noticed.'

"I'm afraid you've got a serious case of polka dots."

Doctor using a crystal ball to diagnose patient,

"It doesn't actually work. But it's a great motivator for people to take better care of their teeth."

"Does your tooth still hurt?"

"Mildly invasive. At most we'll be using a comb."

'Are my blood test results in yet?'

"The bad news is you do have a lump the size of a golf ball. The good news is my tests indicate it's just a golf ball."

"Yesss, I've cured many cases of hypochondria with a hypodermic."

'I like the private room but not the public gown.'

'Be careful when you inject him, the frowny face means he's a biter.'

Golf mole

"Hang on a minute Doc, I've got another 8 minutes left...Did you see Eastenders last night?"