Lighthearted Entertainment Fans Gifts

"Mommy usually reads me a story, then slips me a twenty."

'I'd explain how the TV, VCR, DVD, surround sound home entertainment system works...but I don't know.'

Job Vacancy: Human cannonball. Applicants must of the right calibre

"Spoiler alert! I'm about to tell you the part that really bugged me about 'Wolverine.'" "You don't have to say 'spoiler alert,' minion. It's been a month." "Anyone who hasn't seen it yet has not fulfilled their role as a dutiful consumer, and deserves whatever spoilage they will receive." "In fact, let me know who they are and I'll enter them into my database. When the corporatist revolution comes, there will be consequences." "Um... never mind."

A Golden Non-Retriever

'Would you like you steak WITH or WITHOUT a capella?'

Hairy men taking advantage of the laser tag/laser hair removal combo package.

"Maybe you set it up wrong."

Showing off the good china 3-7 pm.

"We can stop entertaining ourselves now, Ian."

'Looks like everyone has FINALLY gone home.'

Medieval headlines.

Frank's bar & grill & jukebox & pool table & chairs & bathroom & mechanical bull & tables & karaoke machine & drinking fountain & lamps & fire extinguisher & doors & floors...

Starvation Watching

John Barth wrote "Everyone is necessarily the hero of his own life story." That he did, little buddy. But what if a person spends most of his life watching tv, films, Youtube, Instagram, Facebook, etc? What if my -- I mean, this person's -- life story is watching other people's life stories? Does that make other people the hero of this person's story? Sometimes I don't know where I end and Kanye begins. That'd be somewhere around Kim Kardashian.

Lady throws dart to decide which soap opera she's going to watch.

Maps to the homes of guys with friends who know some of the limo drivers of the personal trainers of the stars.

"You're wasting your time, I'll never understand which one is Liam Hemsworth and which one is Chris Hemsworth."

'It's nice, but I wish we could get more than one channel.'

"Is it 'Measure once, cut twice?' Or 'Cut once, then measure?' Or maybe it's..."

"Oh boy, by the way this guy is moving, we can assume he's got some of our friends in his pants..."

"Yes, "breeding like rabbits" is often used in a pejorative sense. The truth is, we don't care as we love having kids..."

"Lets watch a martial arts movie."

"We can deliver it Tuesday. If no one's home, we'll just slip it under the door."

'We have lost the video and voice audio, but will continue with the laugh track.'

"In this business the ball takes funny bounces. I got you a recording contract."

"As I recall, Leonard, when we first watched 'The Honeymooners' you said that it marked the decline and fall of Western culture."

NBS Programming Department. Who have we got to interview Michael Jackson? We've got it narrowed down to Stephen King or Leonard Nimoy.

"I LOVE this business! Just when you think you've discovered our culture's lowest common denominator, along comes a crazy genius like you to show us how wrong our math was!"

More Arts Council cuts...

"My reflexes are not what they used to be: This is how I catch birds now..."

"Wait! It gets even crazier!"

'I trust you folks won't mind if I have the football on while we talk?'

"It's dull now, but at the end they smash their instruments and set fire to the chairs."

'...And remember, tune in next week at this same time for the exciting conclusion of 'David and Bathsheba.'!'