Light-hearted Realist Gifts

Eight nights of excuses

'There's light at the end of the tunnel.'

'Goodbye, dear. This is the kind of day that makes you feel glad to be alive.'

"I hope you love me for my money, not for who I am."

Woman talking romantically whilst man talks about measuring the scullery.

Platitudes for the hopelessly realistic. When life gives you lemons, get a gift receipt.

"At my age, your legs and bowels begin to go."

"We got him onto an exercise bike, but I'm afraid it was too late."

"Just sitting here widening. You?"

'Well - how has everyone wasted time and energy today?'

"I see fleeting moments of happiness in between extended periods of boredom and stress."

"First destination: the recycling center to get rid of these cans."

"We should take life one step at a time." "OK, but not right now...there's some dogs do-do right in front of us!"

Warning Being Alive On This Planet May Cause Cancer

Tonight's Lecture: Your share of the national debt. That explains my credit rating.

The World Ends Today!: 'Never mind, dear- better luck tomorrow!'

"Could be worse..." "Could be worse..." "Could be worse..." "Could be... oh, never mind."

Proverbs for Real Life. When one door closes it's probably locked and your key is on the other side.

I say when life hands you a lemon, make lemonade

Rural Cityscape

'When did the world get into such a big hurry?'

Success Without Effort

"It's no good, Martin, it's still in the room."

'It's very realistic, Katie. It comes equipped with plenty of redtape!'

"You haven't had sex since 1959? You shouldn't complain - it's only ten past eight now..."

"Yes, Gramps, we agreed to follow 'until death do us part' with the caveat that we might be placed in separate wings of the assisted living facility."

Japanese disaster

"Excuse me...is there a dressing room with a slimming mirror and soft light..."

'Don't feel too badly about your post, I used to work for the News of the World.'

"When people talk about a 'staycation' this isn't what they mean!"

"Getting older isn't so bad when you consider the only alternative..."

'It's a midlife crisis - he doesn't know anyone with a vacation home that he can mooch off.'

Man on desert island asks for a lighter rather than a rescue.

'One thing about being chronically unemployed -- we're safe from work-related injuries.'

'The worst part is, we've never had it so good.'