Lifespan Philosopher Gifts

"As a 400-year-old shark, you're the oldest animal on earth. What's the secret of your longevity?"

"So, Ms. Mayfly. Where do you see yourself in five years?"

"Yes, six to seven weeks is my life expectancy! Once I learned that, I thought, the hell with it, I'll stop working and start travelling..."

"You need to justify your own existence first."

Corporate departments as a metaphor for growing up.

"Always take the bull firmly by the tail and look him directly in the eye..."

"Colin kept the bar fairly low."

Caveman to kid: 'There's more to life than what you read on cave walls.'

"I'm here for the hair."

Saguaro Cactus Regrets.

Middle Age: When you finally get your head together, and your body starts to fall apart!

'Take a good look, Junior. When I was your age, I was 'Fun Size,' too.'

"Don't think of this birthday as you're getting older. Think of it as being one day closer to irritable bowel syndrome."

"Yes sir, I'm late. But I thought we were supposed to stop and smell the roses ... "

"I'm 59 and they say I'm middle aged. Just how many people do you know who are 118?"

Life, love and a lot of bananas.

"I won't have anything to worry about when I grow up."

City Bar and Grill - "Stop worrying, youth and enthusiasm can't compete with experience and treachery."

" It was a jungle out there, but I quite liked it."

'You may disagree with me now, Son, but when you're 500 years old, you'll understand.'

"I'm so sorry that I screamed...I had a terrible dream: the kids had to leave college and live with us again...Oh, Ed, it was horrible!"

Midlife: You Are Here.

"I'm surprised I'm still single - I always thought I'd be divorced by now."

"Just when I’ve reconciled the fact that I’m in my 40s, my 50th birthday shows up."

"Your next pilgrimage must be to a bodega for milk."

"I know I'm going to get older - but how much?"

'Life passed me by without using a turn signal.'

Apocalliptical

"You're born, you deconstruct your childhood, and then you die."

Women

"It seems like only yesterday I was on the verge of getting it all together."

"Date of birth?" "1989." "In 1989 I couldn't make ice... still can't." "Good lord, she could be my daughter! I'm so #!@* old." "That's the year my wife left me. Now I have a cold and I'm depressed!"

"Do you know the biggest thing I've learned in my thirty nine years?"

Realizing that his youth was now behind him, Mr. Twigly left home at the sight of his first gray hare.

"Actually, I'm pretty sure aging naturally and aging gracefully are mutually exclusive."