Life Fixer Upper Gifts

"I need help tolerating the mess I've made of my life."

Christmas tree with wadded up lights.

Waiting for Pants

"Whoa. There's a huge crack down here." "Tell me about it."

His verbal skills are developing, but his motor skills are very advanced. (Originally published on 2009-02-01).

"Oh no! This chimney needs re-pointing."

A man sews broken hearts back together.

The Upholstery Consultant

'Of course we can fix your sweater but we'll have to contact the sheep to match the wool!'

'They had three puppies and four kids before me: It's almost impossible to find a piece of furniture that hasn't been chewed on...'

"Larry made that chair from a pile of sticks."

"There's no point in our being friends if you won't let me fix you."

Moe's Fix-It Shop - No Heroic Measures

Well paid job

Son? We need to talk about inappropriate life choices. I was joking. I'm not going to be an investment banker. Great! I'd hate to see you waste your talents. There are plenty of other jobs. Like the fixer who disappears famous athletes' awkward e-mails. You'll always be employed.

"There's nothing wrong with your marriage that an extra bathroom and walk-in closet can't solve."

It's too hard to clean my closet. Take out everything. Throw them into "keep", "donate" or "toss" boxes. Ok. Done!

A woman repairs a broken heart.

"You can't leave! I haven't had dinner yet!"

Chainsaw and Chair

Nail Ambush

"Dad, I'll assemble yours if you assemble mine."

'They can be a real menace at this time of year.'

Jungle Plumber.

'Here we go again, Mr Gloez, you are NOT a couch mechanic!'

Kitchen Table Issues

'Ideal for children - the play area is only a stone's throw away...'

"Tell Santa that Rudolph's check engine light is on."

'Oops-sie.' (Car jacked through the ceiling).

'Maybe you could get dressed faster if you lost that speed bump around your waist.'

That should keep it from overflowing again. Now, if you'll just sign the work order, I'll be on my way.

Cardiology

"Darling - I can't seem to find the invisible menders..."

"It isn't much of a business plan, is it?"

'It's a thousand pities you had to miss those final weeks of your upholstery class.'