Fixer-uppers Gifts

'I live on a fixed income and if I ever get my hands on the repairman...'

'Due to the poor response to the roof repair fund we cannot afford to lift the rafters when rejoicing in song.'

'Before you come with me, tell me...does this robe look a little rumpled to you? I don't think the dry cleaners got the creases out, do you?'

She - Interpreter - He.

Waiting for Pants

His verbal skills are developing, but his motor skills are very advanced. (Originally published on 2009-02-01).

"Oh no! This chimney needs re-pointing."

"That's the last time I ask you to fix anything around here!"

The Upholstery Consultant

'Of course we can fix your sweater but we'll have to contact the sheep to match the wool!'

'They had three puppies and four kids before me: It's almost impossible to find a piece of furniture that hasn't been chewed on...'

"Larry made that chair from a pile of sticks."

Moe's Fix-It Shop - No Heroic Measures

Well paid job

'Bob will be with you in a moment. He's cleaning the filter to the wine-aroma-judging-device attached to his face.'

Son? We need to talk about inappropriate life choices. I was joking. I'm not going to be an investment banker. Great! I'd hate to see you waste your talents. There are plenty of other jobs. Like the fixer who disappears famous athletes' awkward e-mails. You'll always be employed.

It's too hard to clean my closet. Take out everything. Throw them into "keep", "donate" or "toss" boxes. Ok. Done!

A sudden draft. The moment he first felt comfortable calling himself a plumber.

Chainsaw and Chair

"Kick the machine"

Nail Ambush

'Ideal for children - the play area is only a stone's throw away...'

Kitchen Table Issues

Jungle Plumber.

'Here we go again, Mr Gloez, you are NOT a couch mechanic!'

That should keep it from overflowing again. Now, if you'll just sign the work order, I'll be on my way.

'Oops-sie.' (Car jacked through the ceiling).

'Maybe you could get dressed faster if you lost that speed bump around your waist.'

"So a plumber charges $600 for 45 minutes' work?! Is that the coolest job or what?!"

'But we can't afford counseling. Can't we just have our marriage defragged?'

"Darling - I can't seem to find the invisible menders..."

Cardiology

'It's a thousand pities you had to miss those final weeks of your upholstery class.'

'I guess it's official now. No one in this town actually makes anything anymore.'

'We have a terrible relationship - he keeps beating me.'