Legal Troubles Gifts

'I got 2 years for filing false returns, but I did save a bundle by doing my own taxes.'

"What are you thinking of, Dear?" "Oh just something I said to Robert Mueller."

'The food's not too bad here. It tastes just like yours and just like yours, it also comes out of a can.'

'It's my mother. She wants to talk to you.'

"The last time I was in Europe was 4 boyfriends ago..."

"Bad luck definitely comes in threes...first my ex gets hit by a bus...then I lose my job as a bus driver...and now this!"

"The good news is that in here you don't have to worry about unemployment or the economy!"

Trial by Media

'Call me immediately if there's any serious side effects so I can notify my lawyer.'

'The toughest things you have to deal with in this job, is feelings and lawyers.'

'I appreciate how you feel, but I'm afraid your report card isn't grounds for defamation of character.

"As the executor for your mother's estate, let me say that she loved each of you, but she also loved Las Vegas."

"For the sake of not being redundant, your honor, I feel that one 'bad dog' is sufficient."

The New Fundamentals of Art: 'We'll begin with the most basic figure, the trademark attorney...'

"Bailiff."

'The sole reason I haven't talked to my wife for five years, is that I was too polite to interrupt her...'

'This prediction has a margin of error of plus or minus fifteen...fifteen class-action suits brought against the company.'

"Bob & Sue 2011" "Sued Bob 2011"

"We're slapping you with a stress suit, pal!"

Lawyer to bad hair lady: 'It's difficult to establish pain and suffering based on a bad hair day.'

"The doctor is in court on Tuesdays and Wednesdays."

"The jury didn't buy my defense that CEOs just want to have fun."

"Objection! Pummelling the witness."

'This could be me and you, your honor. Heading for Las Vegas!'

"Another slander suit!"

"Before the defense rests, my client would like to read you a little sonnet he composed about his love for the jury."

"And I put it to you Mr. MacDonald, that on the morning of December 3rd, you had cold hands whilst attaching a milking machine to my client's udder!"

'Do you Duane, paternity suit notwithstanding, take Diane...'

'Your honor, I'd like a short recess so my client can make a run for it.'

Sue The Bastards

"I advised a patient to take responsibilty for his own actions, and now he is suing me!"

'I couldn't help noticing that nobody swore YOU in!'

The Birth of a Lawsuit

"They're class action figures."

"Does it hurt when my attorney does this?"