Legal Topics Gifts

"I trust my late husband didn't leave any nasty surprises?"

'She got the house, the car, AND a tobacco settlement!'

"Of course I live for the moment. I charge $900 per hour."

'Call me immediately if there's any serious side effects so I can notify my lawyer.'

'The toughest things you have to deal with in this job, is feelings and lawyers.'

'I appreciate how you feel, but I'm afraid your report card isn't grounds for defamation of character.

The New Fundamentals of Art: 'We'll begin with the most basic figure, the trademark attorney...'

'The sole reason I haven't talked to my wife for five years, is that I was too polite to interrupt her...'

"Bailiff."

'This prediction has a margin of error of plus or minus fifteen...fifteen class-action suits brought against the company.'

'Who says justice has to be the only thing on tap?'

"We're slapping you with a stress suit, pal!"

Lawyer to bad hair lady: 'It's difficult to establish pain and suffering based on a bad hair day.'

"The doctor is in court on Tuesdays and Wednesdays."

"The jury didn't buy my defense that CEOs just want to have fun."

'Do you Duane, paternity suit notwithstanding, take Diane...'

"They're class action figures."

The Birth of a Lawsuit

"I advised a patient to take responsibilty for his own actions, and now he is suing me!"

"And finally, I implore the jury not to take my clients lack of alibi and blatant lies out of context."

"The last time I was in Europe was 4 boyfriends ago..."

'This could be me and you, your honor. Heading for Las Vegas!'

"Does it hurt when my attorney does this?"

"There's no need for your kitty to be envious. After state and federal taxes and legal administrative fees, Chessy's share of Aunt Martha's estate came to hardly anything."

'Is that guy back again? Hey, if you find that sponge I lost, give a shout.'

'That's nothing...I've been told my wig takes fifteen years off me.'

'It's my mother. She wants to talk to you.'

"He says: If they're smart enough to hire a top lawyer and sue us for having wet floors then they're smart enough to look where they're *%&$* going..."

"The law is an ass...employment law, however, is an asset."

Justice

"My wife's lawyer doesn't understand me."

"Is that legal? Can the old man force me to take a performance-enhancing drug."

'I don't think you can claim for this as a substitute car ...'

"Well, we can try. But to be honest, I doubt that you'll get custody of your husband's credit cards."

"Can you recommend something for the attorney who got me everything?"