Legal Technicalities Gifts

'You're charged with impersonating a police officer. I see you arrested and beat a confession out of yourself without reading you your rights. That leaves me no choice but to dismiss the case.'

'Call me immediately if there's any serious side effects so I can notify my lawyer.'

'I appreciate how you feel, but I'm afraid your report card isn't grounds for defamation of character.

The New Fundamentals of Art: 'We'll begin with the most basic figure, the trademark attorney...'

"Bailiff."

'This prediction has a margin of error of plus or minus fifteen...fifteen class-action suits brought against the company.'

"We're slapping you with a stress suit, pal!"

Lawyer to bad hair lady: 'It's difficult to establish pain and suffering based on a bad hair day.'

"The doctor is in court on Tuesdays and Wednesdays."

"The jury didn't buy my defense that CEOs just want to have fun."

'This could be me and you, your honor. Heading for Las Vegas!'

"Then you just run a VLOOKUP against the Naughty column."

"They're class action figures."

The Birth of a Lawsuit

"Does it hurt when my attorney does this?"

Father Christmas uses laptop on roof. Man says: 'I think someone is stealing our wi-fi.'

'Is that guy back again? Hey, if you find that sponge I lost, give a shout.'

"Well, we can try. But to be honest, I doubt that you'll get custody of your husband's credit cards."

'That's nothing...I've been told my wig takes fifteen years off me.'

"The law is an ass...employment law, however, is an asset."

"... and I would have gotten away with it if it weren’t for you meddling forensic pathologists."

"It's my attorney. Have you seen my list of things about you that drive me crazy?"

'Yuo were wise to get a second opinion. Now we can sue both doctors.'

"I forget. If I have an adverse reaction, do I call my doctor or my lawyer?"

"I advise a slow, steady stream of lawsuits to weaken your enemies resistance. We call it time release litigation."

Keystone XL

'Nothing cements the relationship like the chance to get it in writing.'

'Slap me and I'll see you in court.'

"I'm thinking of suing your cafe. I just got a $2,000 dental bill. You should be paying for it." "I'm in here every day and I always order your sugary scones and your sugar-filled lattes." "That's why I had twelve cavities!" "I'll settle out of court for a scone and a latte." "No deal."

"In a surprising turn of events, the end testifies against the means."

"We can't put you in a Witness-Protection Program unless you actually witnessed something."

"You can lie to the prosecutor but don't ever lie to your co-conspirators."

"We're studying the legal principles of 'crossing a heart and hoping to die'."

"I hope that wish list you just sent to Santa wasn't too big." "Our server just crashed!"

Attorney and killer bee.