Layoff Legend Gifts

'I'm afraid we're going to have to let you go.'

"Third quarter numbers were good after we cut our global workforce three to two."

Very Difficult Conversations

"Hiring someone to replace me and then expecting me to train him just doesn't sit well with me."

"Hire a cost cutting, bad-guy consultant to turn me into a good guy during the layoffs."

"You're a great team player - so we're trading you."

'It's my own fault. I never upgraded my skills. I was replaced by a man half my age with a more advanced smartphone and hundreds of productive apps.'

"Hey, Dunleavy! I hear the boss is clearing out more dead wood today! Maybe you should've just stayed home and called in stick! Get it? Called in stick?"

'To show you I'm not all bad, I won't be letting you go until after 'Bring Your Child To Work Day'.'

The breakup

'Never roll your eyes while the boss is talking.'

'See, I told you - nobody's job is safe!'

"He used to be a senior fact checker at Meta — now he's just a pedant."

"You're all hashtag summarily dismissed."

'It's a screaming ladies part.'

"Here's one I wrote myself. It's called 'Blues for the Guy I'm Laying Off.'"

'I'll have what's left of my people get in touch with what's left of your people.'

You're Employment has been terminated -Smiley face lol

"Actually, this time we're not being asked to do more with less. Instead, we're being asked to do whatever we want, somewhere else, effective immediately."

'There's new evidence that my departure from my previous employer merely coincided with their brain drain.'

'I'm afraid we have to let you go. As you know, you're entitled to a 'Golden Handshake'...

What Bob thought outside the box.

"I gave you the axe. How dare you come back and use it to intimidate me."

'And if you become homeless due to this layoff, you can pitch a tent on my estate...'

'Our employees agreed to be frozen until there's an economic upturn.'

"Just when did you leave your last job?"

"Don't forget to torch the place when you leave."

"But I was told this was included in my severance package."

"They told me my parachute would be golden. Turns out it's pyrite."

'You do outstanding work, Nelson, but I'm afraid Higby makes me look better.'

'We really can't afford golden parachutes any more, but here's a plastic crash helmet.'

'Relax, I'm not here for you. Just for your job.'

"Guys, I can't afford to be laid off."

'OK everyone get out... we're downsizing!'

"Maybe we should've done layoffs after the holiday party."