Laid Off Gifts

"You're fired."

'Never roll your eyes while the boss is talking.'

"I'm not sure what I was doing, but, evidently there's no call for it anymore."

"I gave you the axe. How dare you come back and use it to intimidate me."

"Recent studies indicate you don't work here anymore."

"Guys, I can't afford to be laid off."

"They were such good executives that I couldn't bear to let them go completely."

"Since he was laid off in the city he's front traded our allotment vegetables,set up a derivatives market in school luncheon vouchers and bankrupted the piggy bank."

"Sorry, we've found an app that's better at being you than you!"

Very Difficult Conversations

"Hiring someone to replace me and then expecting me to train him just doesn't sit well with me."

"Hire a cost cutting, bad-guy consultant to turn me into a good guy during the layoffs."

"You're a great team player - so we're trading you."

'It's my own fault. I never upgraded my skills. I was replaced by a man half my age with a more advanced smartphone and hundreds of productive apps.'

"Hey, Dunleavy! I hear the boss is clearing out more dead wood today! Maybe you should've just stayed home and called in stick! Get it? Called in stick?"

The breakup

"He used to be a senior fact checker at Meta — now he's just a pedant."

'I'm afraid we have to let you go. As you know, you're entitled to a 'Golden Handshake'...

"Here's one I wrote myself. It's called 'Blues for the Guy I'm Laying Off.'"

You're Employment has been terminated -Smiley face lol

"Actually, this time we're not being asked to do more with less. Instead, we're being asked to do whatever we want, somewhere else, effective immediately."

'There's new evidence that my departure from my previous employer merely coincided with their brain drain.'

'I'll have what's left of my people get in touch with what's left of your people.'

What Bob thought outside the box.

"Maybe we should've done layoffs after the holiday party."

'And if you become homeless due to this layoff, you can pitch a tent on my estate...'

'You do outstanding work, Nelson, but I'm afraid Higby makes me look better.'

"They told me my parachute would be golden. Turns out it's pyrite."

"Don't forget to torch the place when you leave."

'Our employees agreed to be frozen until there's an economic upturn.'

'We really can't afford golden parachutes any more, but here's a plastic crash helmet.'

'Relax, I'm not here for you. Just for your job.'

"But I was told this was included in my severance package."

'OK everyone get out... we're downsizing!'

'I'm afraid we're going to have to let you go.'