Facing Layoff Gifts

'Can I double my unemployment insurance? I think the boss is going to lay me off.'

"Third quarter numbers were good after we cut our global workforce three to two."

"Sorry, we've found an app that's better at being you than you!"

Very Difficult Conversations

"Hiring someone to replace me and then expecting me to train him just doesn't sit well with me."

"Hire a cost cutting, bad-guy consultant to turn me into a good guy during the layoffs."

"You're a great team player - so we're trading you."

"Your job is to build an app that replaces you."

'It's my own fault. I never upgraded my skills. I was replaced by a man half my age with a more advanced smartphone and hundreds of productive apps.'

"Hey, Dunleavy! I hear the boss is clearing out more dead wood today! Maybe you should've just stayed home and called in stick! Get it? Called in stick?"

'The good news is we're not laying you off. The bad news is we want you to take a 20-year lunch break without pay.'

The breakup

41 Rounds of Layoffs Survived

'Never roll your eyes while the boss is talking.'

'Times are tough, Smith, but I don't want to lay you off. So, to keep you working, I want you to wash our building. That should keep you busy for the next decade.'

"He used to be a senior fact checker at Meta — now he's just a pedant."

You're Employment has been terminated -Smiley face lol

"Here's one I wrote myself. It's called 'Blues for the Guy I'm Laying Off.'"

"Actually, this time we're not being asked to do more with less. Instead, we're being asked to do whatever we want, somewhere else, effective immediately."

"You're the only one in this department who has survived the staff cuts. I can only advise you to do your job well, otherwise I'll have to fire you too, got that?"

'There's new evidence that my departure from my previous employer merely coincided with their brain drain.'

"The good news is that I'm still here after the boss cut our department by 33 percent."

'I'm afraid we have to let you go. As you know, you're entitled to a 'Golden Handshake'...

What Bob thought outside the box.

"I gave you the axe. How dare you come back and use it to intimidate me."

'And if you become homeless due to this layoff, you can pitch a tent on my estate...'

'Our employees agreed to be frozen until there's an economic upturn.'

"Just when did you leave your last job?"

'You do outstanding work, Nelson, but I'm afraid Higby makes me look better.'

"They told me my parachute would be golden. Turns out it's pyrite."

'Relax, I'm not here for you. Just for your job.'

"Don't forget to torch the place when you leave."

'We really can't afford golden parachutes any more, but here's a plastic crash helmet.'

"But I was told this was included in my severance package."

'OK everyone get out... we're downsizing!'