Dealing With Layoffs Gifts

"What makes you think there are going to be layoffs."

"Third quarter numbers were good after we cut our global workforce three to two."

"Sorry, we've found an app that's better at being you than you!"

Very Difficult Conversations

"Hire a cost cutting, bad-guy consultant to turn me into a good guy during the layoffs."

"You're a great team player - so we're trading you."

"Your job is to build an app that replaces you."

'It's my own fault. I never upgraded my skills. I was replaced by a man half my age with a more advanced smartphone and hundreds of productive apps.'

"Hey, Dunleavy! I hear the boss is clearing out more dead wood today! Maybe you should've just stayed home and called in stick! Get it? Called in stick?"

'The good news is we're not laying you off. The bad news is we want you to take a 20-year lunch break without pay.'

41 Rounds of Layoffs Survived

The breakup

'Times are tough, Smith, but I don't want to lay you off. So, to keep you working, I want you to wash our building. That should keep you busy for the next decade.'

"He used to be a senior fact checker at Meta — now he's just a pedant."

'See, I told you - nobody's job is safe!'

"Here's one I wrote myself. It's called 'Blues for the Guy I'm Laying Off.'"

'There's new evidence that my departure from my previous employer merely coincided with their brain drain.'

"The good news is that I'm still here after the boss cut our department by 33 percent."

'I'm afraid we have to let you go. As you know, you're entitled to a 'Golden Handshake'...

"Actually, this time we're not being asked to do more with less. Instead, we're being asked to do whatever we want, somewhere else, effective immediately."

You're Employment has been terminated -Smiley face lol

"You're the only one in this department who has survived the staff cuts. I can only advise you to do your job well, otherwise I'll have to fire you too, got that?"

What Bob thought outside the box.

'Our employees agreed to be frozen until there's an economic upturn.'

"They told me my parachute would be golden. Turns out it's pyrite."

'And if you become homeless due to this layoff, you can pitch a tent on my estate...'

"Maybe we should've done layoffs after the holiday party."

'We really can't afford golden parachutes any more, but here's a plastic crash helmet.'

'OK everyone get out... we're downsizing!'

'Relax, I'm not here for you. Just for your job.'

"Just when did you leave your last job?"

"But I was told this was included in my severance package."

"Don't forget to torch the place when you leave."

'You do outstanding work, Nelson, but I'm afraid Higby makes me look better.'