Job Layoff Gifts

"Mr. Herman, you made me laugh and you made me cry, but you didn't make me money."

"Here's one I wrote myself. It's called 'Blues for the Guy I'm Laying Off.'"

Lucky Break

'Our employees agreed to be frozen until there's an economic upturn.'

'The golden parachutes are all gone. You'll have to settle for a golden lifejacket.'

'And if you become homeless due to this layoff, you can pitch a tent on my estate...'

'Posner, we were crunching some numbers, and your salary and 401 (k) got squashed.'

'It wasn't even a computer - They replaced me with a HAND CALCULATOR!'

'You have 7 messages and 1 dismissal pink slip in your mail box.'

Bankrupt Initiatives.

"I guess I thought 'non-essential employees' meant they were up for grabs. My bad."

"Because of our merger, Henshaw, we have to let you go..."

"This is not permanent...we'll be back as soon as things start to look up."

"Third quarter numbers were good after we cut our global workforce three to two."

"I figure if I was still employed, I wouldn’t get to spend all this time with you!"

"Sorry, we've found an app that's better at being you than you!"

"It used to Casual Friday. Now it's Furlough Friday."

Very Difficult Conversations

"Lost my job. But I'm pretty sure it's around here somewhere."

"Hiring someone to replace me and then expecting me to train him just doesn't sit well with me."

"Hire a cost cutting, bad-guy consultant to turn me into a good guy during the layoffs."

'Let's keep in mind that although quitters never win, they often manage to avoid litigation.'

Danger Slow Sand.

"My career's in shreds, but on the bright side, so are my files."

"You're a great team player - so we're trading you."

"Wait, you're firing me?! But I was Time magazine’s Person of the Year!"

"Ralph's smart car not only drives better than he does, it also works better. So we fired him and hired the car."

Between Offices

"They retired me. Just like that. Seems I'm no good over 55 mph anymore." "How does that make you feel?" "Like I want to bash my head against a wall!"

"Dear, did something happen at the office?"

'Don't bother cleaning out your desk. We'll be hiring you back as a consultant for half the salary and no benefits.'

'Don't worry about your job at the office, Sweetie. They declared bankrupty today.'

'I knew if we waited long enough, heaven would downsize.'

'I'm not worried about losing my job. I'm worried about keeping it.'

I.O.U. one pot of gold.