Layoffs Gifts

What Bob thought outside the box.

"Maybe we should've done layoffs after the holiday party."

"He used to be a senior fact checker at Meta — now he's just a pedant."

'Not more paperwork Sarge?'

'The real downside of all these layoffs is that I don't have anybody left to scream at.'

"Third quarter numbers were good after we cut our global workforce three to two."

"Sorry, we've found an app that's better at being you than you!"

Very Difficult Conversations

"Hiring someone to replace me and then expecting me to train him just doesn't sit well with me."

"Hire a cost cutting, bad-guy consultant to turn me into a good guy during the layoffs."

"You're a great team player - so we're trading you."

'It's my own fault. I never upgraded my skills. I was replaced by a man half my age with a more advanced smartphone and hundreds of productive apps.'

The breakup

'Never roll your eyes while the boss is talking.'

'See, I told you - nobody's job is safe!'

"You're all hashtag summarily dismissed."

"Here's one I wrote myself. It's called 'Blues for the Guy I'm Laying Off.'"

You're Employment has been terminated -Smiley face lol

'I'm afraid we have to let you go. As you know, you're entitled to a 'Golden Handshake'...

'There's new evidence that my departure from my previous employer merely coincided with their brain drain.'

'I'll have what's left of my people get in touch with what's left of your people.'

"I gave you the axe. How dare you come back and use it to intimidate me."

"They told me my parachute would be golden. Turns out it's pyrite."

'And if you become homeless due to this layoff, you can pitch a tent on my estate...'

'Our employees agreed to be frozen until there's an economic upturn.'

'We really can't afford golden parachutes any more, but here's a plastic crash helmet.'

"Guys, I can't afford to be laid off."

'OK everyone get out... we're downsizing!'

'Relax, I'm not here for you. Just for your job.'

"Just when did you leave your last job?"

"But I was told this was included in my severance package."

'I'm afraid we're going to have to let you go.'

"Don't forget to torch the place when you leave."

'You do outstanding work, Nelson, but I'm afraid Higby makes me look better.'

"I'm not good at confrontation, so unscramble this phrase in your head for a surprise message."