Layoffs Gifts

What Bob thought outside the box.

"Maybe we should've done layoffs after the holiday party."

"He used to be a senior fact checker at Meta — now he's just a pedant."

'Not more paperwork Sarge?'

'The real downside of all these layoffs is that I don't have anybody left to scream at.'

"Third quarter numbers were good after we cut our global workforce three to two."

"Sorry, we've found an app that's better at being you than you!"

Very Difficult Conversations

"Hiring someone to replace me and then expecting me to train him just doesn't sit well with me."

"Hire a cost cutting, bad-guy consultant to turn me into a good guy during the layoffs."

"You're a great team player - so we're trading you."

'It's my own fault. I never upgraded my skills. I was replaced by a man half my age with a more advanced smartphone and hundreds of productive apps.'

The breakup

'Never roll your eyes while the boss is talking.'

"You're all hashtag summarily dismissed."

'See, I told you - nobody's job is safe!'

"Here's one I wrote myself. It's called 'Blues for the Guy I'm Laying Off.'"

'I'll have what's left of my people get in touch with what's left of your people.'

You're Employment has been terminated -Smiley face lol

'I'm afraid we have to let you go. As you know, you're entitled to a 'Golden Handshake'...

'There's new evidence that my departure from my previous employer merely coincided with their brain drain.'

"I gave you the axe. How dare you come back and use it to intimidate me."

'Our employees agreed to be frozen until there's an economic upturn.'

'Relax, I'm not here for you. Just for your job.'

'OK everyone get out... we're downsizing!'

The 12 Days of Covidmas

'And if you become homeless due to this layoff, you can pitch a tent on my estate...'

'We really can't afford golden parachutes any more, but here's a plastic crash helmet.'

"But I was told this was included in my severance package."

"Just when did you leave your last job?"

By camouflaging himself, Ed was able to avoid being a victim of the company's massive layoffs.

"Guys, I can't afford to be laid off."

"They told me my parachute would be golden. Turns out it's pyrite."

"Don't forget to torch the place when you leave."

'You do outstanding work, Nelson, but I'm afraid Higby makes me look better.'