Layoff Planner Gifts

"Third quarter numbers were good after we cut our global workforce three to two."

Very Difficult Conversations

"Hiring someone to replace me and then expecting me to train him just doesn't sit well with me."

"Hire a cost cutting, bad-guy consultant to turn me into a good guy during the layoffs."

"You're a great team player - so we're trading you."

'It's my own fault. I never upgraded my skills. I was replaced by a man half my age with a more advanced smartphone and hundreds of productive apps.'

"Death coach..."

The breakup

Chapter 10: How to extend your stay and throw your father's paternity leave application into chaos.

"He used to be a senior fact checker at Meta — now he's just a pedant."

"He's highly qualified to be our new associate pastor but he wants all weekends and holidays off - the same days I want off."

"You're all hashtag summarily dismissed."

'There's new evidence that my departure from my previous employer merely coincided with their brain drain.'

"I've managed to arrange cover while you're on holiday. Janet has cancelled her honeymoon and John will probably be able to have his operation next year. You just go off and enjoy yourself."

'I'm afraid we have to let you go. As you know, you're entitled to a 'Golden Handshake'...

"Here's one I wrote myself. It's called 'Blues for the Guy I'm Laying Off.'"

'I'll have what's left of my people get in touch with what's left of your people.'

You're Employment has been terminated -Smiley face lol

What Bob thought outside the box.

"They told me my parachute would be golden. Turns out it's pyrite."

"Maybe we should've done layoffs after the holiday party."

'Our employees agreed to be frozen until there's an economic upturn.'

'And if you become homeless due to this layoff, you can pitch a tent on my estate...'

'We really can't afford golden parachutes any more, but here's a plastic crash helmet.'

'OK everyone get out... we're downsizing!'

'Relax, I'm not here for you. Just for your job.'

'I'm afraid we're going to have to let you go.'

"But I was told this was included in my severance package."

"Don't forget to torch the place when you leave."

'You do outstanding work, Nelson, but I'm afraid Higby makes me look better.'

"I'm not good at confrontation, so unscramble this phrase in your head for a surprise message."

'It was a parting gift when I was given subjective redundancy.'

'My boss said they might be laying off more people next week...what wine goes best with panic?'