Layoff Planner Gifts

"Third quarter numbers were good after we cut our global workforce three to two."

Very Difficult Conversations

"Hiring someone to replace me and then expecting me to train him just doesn't sit well with me."

"Hire a cost cutting, bad-guy consultant to turn me into a good guy during the layoffs."

"You're a great team player - so we're trading you."

'It's my own fault. I never upgraded my skills. I was replaced by a man half my age with a more advanced smartphone and hundreds of productive apps.'

"Death coach..."

The breakup

Chapter 10: How to extend your stay and throw your father's paternity leave application into chaos.

"You're all hashtag summarily dismissed."

"He used to be a senior fact checker at Meta — now he's just a pedant."

"He's highly qualified to be our new associate pastor but he wants all weekends and holidays off - the same days I want off."

'There's new evidence that my departure from my previous employer merely coincided with their brain drain.'

"Here's one I wrote myself. It's called 'Blues for the Guy I'm Laying Off.'"

'I'll have what's left of my people get in touch with what's left of your people.'

'I'm afraid we have to let you go. As you know, you're entitled to a 'Golden Handshake'...

"I've managed to arrange cover while you're on holiday. Janet has cancelled her honeymoon and John will probably be able to have his operation next year. You just go off and enjoy yourself."

You're Employment has been terminated -Smiley face lol

What Bob thought outside the box.

'Our employees agreed to be frozen until there's an economic upturn.'

'You do outstanding work, Nelson, but I'm afraid Higby makes me look better.'

By camouflaging himself, Ed was able to avoid being a victim of the company's massive layoffs.

"They told me my parachute would be golden. Turns out it's pyrite."

"That reminds me, we must sort out your will."

"Don't forget to torch the place when you leave."

'We really can't afford golden parachutes any more, but here's a plastic crash helmet.'

'OK everyone get out... we're downsizing!'

'I'm afraid we're going to have to let you go.'

"Maybe we should've done layoffs after the holiday party."

'Relax, I'm not here for you. Just for your job.'

Zoo Football League. Don't worry. They're formidable opponents in the early season but they'll be hibernating by the time the playoffs start.

"But I was told this was included in my severance package."

'And if you become homeless due to this layoff, you can pitch a tent on my estate...'

"I'm not good at confrontation, so unscramble this phrase in your head for a surprise message."

'It was a parting gift when I was given subjective redundancy.'