Layoff Laugher Gifts

The breakup

'To show you I'm not all bad, I won't be letting you go until after 'Bring Your Child To Work Day'.'

"Hire a cost cutting, bad-guy consultant to turn me into a good guy during the layoffs."

"I warned you not to use that club...now look, you struck oil!"

"Eureka!!" "Guess again, Einstein."

'Sorry. Your accident insurance doesn't cover that kind of incident.'

'As a boss you'll find me hard, but fair. Actually, that's only half true.'

"A cashier told me to have a nice day and I didn't. Am I liable or can I sue her?"

'Just a little off the top.'

"Listen, if this takes much longer I'll be late for work and I'll be a dead man!"

'Ooops. Any chance we could blame this on El Nino or climate change?'

"Oh, I'm sorry, Berger. I must have accidentally pressed the 'Sycophant' button."

'A nice feature of this office, the view from that window won't distract you from your work.'

'But we've got laws on the books now that we can't enforce!'

'I said, I think I know whey you're finding it lonely at the top.'

Jury Bribes.

'Litigate not, least ye be litigated against!'

"And I told them not to use lactose for the last supper..."

"And here we have a very rare and unusual piece titled 'The Last Remaining Open Seat.'"

"It's amazing how they manage to endure despite all the lineup changes."

"I thought you said you were watching your weight!"

'Don't tell me we live in a litigious society... I ought to sue you for saying that!'

'We're looking for a mother figure.'

Escaping surgery.

'I drank to a lawyer's health, and now he's slapped me with a malpractice suit.'

'Never ever will I move by train again.'

'Both prosecution and defense must submit any unwritten laws in writing.'

"You bite me again and I'll sue."

'Well I'll be damned, you got me on a technicality.'

"That's OK. I'll get the next one."

'I don't teach my students about the Bill of Rights any more -- it just makes them unruly.'

'Mine is a rags to riches story. Actually, it's more like an off-the-rack to a $20 billion family hedge fund story.'

"Well, the satnav said turn left."

"I don't have to worry about my investments; it's a perk of not having any."