Layoff Laugher Gifts

The breakup

'To show you I'm not all bad, I won't be letting you go until after 'Bring Your Child To Work Day'.'

"Hire a cost cutting, bad-guy consultant to turn me into a good guy during the layoffs."

"I warned you not to use that club...now look, you struck oil!"

"Eureka!!" "Guess again, Einstein."

'Sorry. Your accident insurance doesn't cover that kind of incident.'

'As a boss you'll find me hard, but fair. Actually, that's only half true.'

"A cashier told me to have a nice day and I didn't. Am I liable or can I sue her?"

'Ooops. Any chance we could blame this on El Nino or climate change?'

'Just a little off the top.'

"Listen, if this takes much longer I'll be late for work and I'll be a dead man!"

"Oh, I'm sorry, Berger. I must have accidentally pressed the 'Sycophant' button."

'A nice feature of this office, the view from that window won't distract you from your work.'

'But we've got laws on the books now that we can't enforce!'

Jury Bribes.

'I said, I think I know whey you're finding it lonely at the top.'

'The Wedge. I thought you asked me for the Wedgie.'

'Litigate not, least ye be litigated against!'

"And I told them not to use lactose for the last supper..."

"And here we have a very rare and unusual piece titled 'The Last Remaining Open Seat.'"

"It's amazing how they manage to endure despite all the lineup changes."

"I thought you said you were watching your weight!"

'Don't tell me we live in a litigious society... I ought to sue you for saying that!'

'We're looking for a mother figure.'

Escaping surgery.

'I drank to a lawyer's health, and now he's slapped me with a malpractice suit.'

You did what? I posted your last will and testament on all the social networks. Now everyone knows you left your feminine hygiene products to the Smithsonian. Why would you do that you @#$%^?! Ugly picture taken. Posting to Facebook … now. Well-played, cretin.

'I can't get this laptop to work.'

'Never ever will I move by train again.'

'Both prosecution and defense must submit any unwritten laws in writing.'

"You bite me again and I'll sue."

'Well I'll be damned, you got me on a technicality.'

"That's OK. I'll get the next one."

'I don't teach my students about the Bill of Rights any more -- it just makes them unruly.'

'Mine is a rags to riches story. Actually, it's more like an off-the-rack to a $20 billion family hedge fund story.'