Lavatory Legend Gifts

"This stool shall pass."

Open mike night presents Sadie Cohen. Summer's almost over

"Doesn't seem like 6 hours on the couch, but you can't argue with a lethargy tracker."

"I say it's Kale, and I say it's spinaches shitfaced uncle."

'The next piece contains sex, violence, and Homeric epithets.'

'You can't come in here with that.'

Veggie Hall of Fame.

"Be or be not. There is no question."

'I can't write cheating songs because my wife's too insecure.'

"He's writing a novel for the first time in decades. It has less to do with the urge to create or say something new, and more to do with the fact that all his previous books are now out of print."

Ted Hughes

'Dubble Dawawg A.K.A. Diplo Matt A.K.A. Spyral A.K.A. Sheldon delman - noted rap artist'

'Hang on, we'd better leave this one alone: It's a protected species...'

Carl Wilhelm Scheele: "There was a great display of ores and minerals...I could not write with a molybdenite pencil."

Thanksgiving: The holiday where aluminum foil is king!

The Headless Horseman claims his luggage.

'Sire, they are starting to call you Edward the Confessor.'

From now on, the rats that get steroids don't have to run the maze.

Nyargh! - 'I swear I will never eat fibre again...' - 'I christen thee 'Titan'.'

"I'd text you, but I haven't learnt to spell yet."

A man sits in an armchair admiring his little pickers and trophies of litter he has picked up which are displayed on the wall.

"Houston... You won't believe this - but the moon really IS made of cheese!!"

Leon Uris.

Scientist looking down a microscope is being looked down a microscope by god.

Headless Self-Portrait

Mermaids

Man throws his burger wrapper into the trash.

'Ah ha, just as I expected...BOOM!'

"This is probably the most mature, astute novel of the last half century that I've just finished. Me want ice cream."

Monday. Restaurant. Daily special. Steak. Tuesday. Hamburger. Wednesday. Homestyle meatloaf. Thursday. I know this is your favorite restaurant, and I guess it's okay to eat here again today ... but tomorrow we'll probably need to find someplace else to eat! Daily special. Cream of meatloaf soup.

"...Tomorrow's weather....abominable!"

"This is from the gentleman at the end of the bar."

A Guide to Mustaches

'You'll find the book 'Corporate Discipline In Three Easy Steps' in the fiction department.'

'I'm Smallfoot, Bigfoot's cousin!'