Laughing Losers Gifts

Woman returning from Weight Watchers - ""You're late - did you get detention?"

"If I might be serious for a moment..."

"Oh, I like coming to the dentists. It's the only place where people actually ask me to spit!"

"... And finally, I’d like to thank the FDA for approving Botox."

Snowprov

"That'll be five bucks."

'How's everyone doing tonight - that is the question.'

"Take two pies to the face and call me in the morning."

"I don't know whether to be mad that you had water this whole time or impressed with your commitment to the joke."

"So I'm perfectly healthy? That's good but will I still be able to research symptoms online and panic?"

Acme-5000 Lie Detector

"So, is there any other funny business to attend to?"

Looks like another profit's warning

Please stand by. As stocks soar, our announcer is having a fit of the giggles.

King and Jester

'Your Chef's Surprise, sir -- a sauteed whoopee cushion.'

"Why don't I clang some utensils, make 3 grilled cheese sandwiches and we call it an early night?"

'I see we've got some techies in tonight.'

"I had a consultation with a plastic surgeon. Now I have to decide whether I want to look old or look weird."

"It's funny 'cos it's true!"

Pie chart of pub conversations

"Hmm, well, I wouldn't worry too much. This condition is very common in your profession."

'See, I told you - nobody's job is safe!'

"You were ho-ho-hoing in your sleep again!"

'What shall we watch - best security videos of 2013 or operating room bloopers, blunders and bleeps?'

'I don't understand. Why do you want to have your arms extended?'

'Doors opening.' - 'Doors closing.' - 'Doors bored now.'

"Target in range. Ready... hug."

"Ok, ok, how's everyone feeling tonight besides a thousand dollars poorer?"

'A friendly reminder, Mr. Parker: There's only room for one long, raucous, 'what-a-stupid-question' laugh in this company, and it's not yours.'

"...dry your eyes, m'boy, and always remember: Laugh, and the world laughs with you. Weep, and the world laughs AT you."

Amy Schumer

"I finished my act. Could you come over and give me a hand?"

Stand-up comedy while you're away at work. 'What's the deal with fetching? ...And they expect you to run and go get it, so why did they throw it in the first place?' 'Ha! Ha! It's funny because it's true!'

"No, dummy...that's not how we use a napkin!"