Laughing Laureate Gifts

'Sorry about the economy, but I never was very good at story problems.'

"Take two pies to the face and call me in the morning."

"And when you realized it was the wrong tree, why do you think you kept barking up it?"

Caveman sees comment section below cave drawings,

'We all shrink as we get older... You'll just have to be a little patient!'

'I see we've got some techies in tonight.'

"King and clown—why can't I be both?"

"My mom got it on. She said you'd get it off."

Edith does ceramics strictly for her own amusement.

'It's funny - I'm a Bourbon, but I've always preferred Scotch.'

Tragedy and Material

"Hey Neil, I've got an idea - let's really freak everyone out and tell them you're quitting physics to become my new co-Pope."

Becky Thornmorton: The most popular girl at Central High's annual Easter egg hunt.

"I'm old enough to remember when people thought retirement had something to do with not having a job. Don't laugh! We used to believe all sorts of ridiculous stuff!"

'Sir, making mistakes is a craft, but making things up the way we do is art.'

Learn to Laugh at Yourself

'Here's your new diet.' - 'A stick of celery?' - 'Lick it once at breakfast, once at lunchtime.' - 'And then eat it for dinner, right?' - 'Not until Week 6' - 'Gah.'

Cold-calls.

Man photographing fish through magnifying glass

'Better ease up on the goodnatured barbs...'

Cartoonist Thinking Whilst His Pencil Snoozes.

"My science project blew up on the way home!"

Caution Dulcimer

I lost my job as a political satirist because reality is funnier than I ever could be.

"Your condition is extremely serious Mr. Butkiss. You should try laughing more often!"

Woman returning from Weight Watchers - ""You're late - did you get detention?"

"Oh, that wasn't me talking. It was the alcohol talking."

Pope Benedict XVI