Laugh-loving Luminaries Gifts

I lost my job as a political satirist because reality is funnier than I ever could be.

I thought I was proposing to Sally, but evidently I was challenging her to a twenty year series of debates.

'If you must know, yes, I do sometimes fake purring.'

"My instagram feed is basically people, dog food, and tennis balls."

"Cancel the trip. The cook didn't get a visa."

"It's funny 'cos it's true!"

'You're right...these are your hormone pills. Thank goodness we noticed before anything serious happened.'

"Would you describe the pain everyone else causes you as dull and throbbing or sharp like a knife?"

My Folks, dressed up like Eskimos

"'Let's introduce him to a mirror' he said. 'It'll be fun he said'. You call the coroner!"

Tragedy and Material

Gender Reveal

Produce Fuji Apples. I told you that's not how "fudgey" is spelled.

"I'm old enough to remember when people thought retirement had something to do with not having a job. Don't laugh! We used to believe all sorts of ridiculous stuff!"

"What?! You didn't say nuthin' about this bein' a yo' mam joke battle!"

'Thank you for your unsolicited parenting advice! In return, I'd like to tell you about a method I know for removing those unsightly age spots.'

"We moved to the sea to get away from the crowd, only to find they'd moved to the sea."

'Free gifts to every kid in the whole world? -- What are you running for?'

'What I want for Christmas is a bigger carrot'

'My name's Jeffrey. Will you be my Valentine?'

"Damn kids and their graffiti."

'Sorry about the economy, but I never was very good at story problems.'

'It is believed dear Jack finally figured out women. Trouble is he died laughing before her could tell anybody.'

Windup yoga

'So, Mr. Ross, you want us all to believe this murder was just a 'mistake'? Come on, Bob. Don't you really mean a 'happy little accident''

'Better ease up on the goodnatured barbs...'

'I've been lucky with men - I haven't met any yet...'

Bubblewrap Supplies: Just Popped Out

'Those flashers make no sense to me. The less they have, the more they want to show it.'

Cartoonist Thinking Whilst His Pencil Snoozes.

Lightning Bug Bullies

'When we talk, I have to take a lot for grunted.'

Non handicapped parking only.

'Sorry, Ferguson -- Scoutmasters don't have the AUTHORITY to perform weddings.'

"And now ladies and gentlemen, I will reveal the secret of my success."