Laugh-loving Linguists Gifts

'When we talk, I have to take a lot for grunted.'

"Together ideas for couples" "Slap a sandwich together" "Put two and two together" "Pull themselves together" "Rub two sticks together" "Try to hold it together" "String a phrase together"

"Whenever he shows up everything turns to crap!"

Torturing the English Language

"Monsieur, si vous plaît. I'm sure I ordered the fusilli and not the Fusilier."

A Copy Editor and His Dog

"Sorry I'm late. I overslept." "Is that even a real word?"

"I’ve heard of them barking at the moon, but never scatting at the sun."

"My wife thought the phrase 'stick it to the man' meant everyone, hence we're divorced. My new girlfriend and I met at a party. She's krazy, man. We bonded right away and now she's pregnant. It's a squeeze top. My brother's in rehab for sniffing. He never could get his nose out of my business."

"I'm eating baklava through my balaclava!"

'Come on Jill, they say the water's well good.'

'When we all get together, we sure are vulgar.'

'Actually, I think my use of hyperbole is not only iconoclastic, it is potentially revolutionary.'

No, that's "Virginia Wolf" with one "o."

Psychiatry. I have an irrational fear of words like "and," "or," "but" and "if"! And, conjunctivitis!

Vegan Restaurant: ''amburgers! Sausages! RISSOLES!'

An English and French student converse.

"Monsieur has just ordered a vasectomy..."

"Would you describe the pain everyone else causes you as dull and throbbing or sharp like a knife?"

Heart To Heart

Artichoking victim

"Tongue twisters! These are hard to say! A skunk sat on a stump and thunk the stump stunk, but the stump thunk the skunk stunk."

"My mom got it on. She said you'd get it off."

"We don't have knock-knock jokes on Christmas."

"I think I've eaten something that hasn't agreed with me."

Cowboy in Old West boasts of having shot a guy for ending a sentence in a preposition.

'Warspeak department' making up new military terminology.

"It's okay. That's just adult-speak for hot dogs."

'Try hitting him harder.' 'Is that all you have to say?' 'Try hitting him harder, PLEASE.'

"Pansexual"

"What?"

"Hey how do you spell Abominable?"

Canal No. 5: Vagrance

A day in the life of a serial mis-pronouncer.

"Fred, no one is going to bother you here. Put away the Bare Spray."