Linguistic Laugh-seekers Gifts

Hospitalized intellectuals are ill-literates.

"That'll be five bucks."

"I’ve heard of them barking at the moon, but never scatting at the sun."

Would you be willing to sign something regarding the fat content of your burger? Like what? My colon.

"It's a swearbox."

'I don't understand. Why do you want to have your arms extended?'

"My mom got it on. She said you'd get it off."

'I'll keep my remarks brief.'

"What?"

"I finished my act. Could you come over and give me a hand?"

"Pansexual"

"It's okay. That's just adult-speak for hot dogs."

"I'm bad with languages. The only foreign sounding phrase I know is crack-a-brewski."

New Jersey Cops Gone Wild

Board on Baby

Jenkins discovers the dark underworld of palindrome chatrooms.

"Fred, no one is going to bother you here. Put away the Bare Spray."

'ARRGH! Run for it lady!' 'A swarm of Bs!!' A guy running away from a swarm of the actual letter B

'Alsatian? Silly me,I thought you said AUSTRALIAN!'

Fart. Le Poot.

"I'm having a dry October. . . October 2045."

"Horse-drawn carriage."

"Have you tried the David and Goliath cocktail?"

"Right. Money isn't everything - what's the other thing again?"

'If they install word recognition software in my texting program, I wouldn't have to know how to spell or read. Ain't technology great?'

'It's an obvious case of identity theft.'

Canadian Importers - In, Oot.

Grammar. I really wasn't trying to be a wise guy. The teacher asked if anybody could give an example of a conditional phrase, and I said "If you pay me." (Published originally on Nov. 6, 2014.)

'The operation was a success, but your colon is now a semi-colon.'

'Sometimes, I think that men imagine us smarter than we really are...What on earth does that mean?...'

"How much should I spend on a bottle of wine?"

Origami Craft Store - Out of business, folded.

Avian Grammar. Left Tern. Right Tern. Tern for the Worse.

'When we talk, I have to take a lot for grunted.'

"Wordplay — terrapin. Ouch! Who put that on my chair?"