Laughing Losers Pillows

Woman returning from Weight Watchers - ""You're late - did you get detention?"

"If I might be serious for a moment..."

"Oh, I like coming to the dentists. It's the only place where people actually ask me to spit!"

"... And finally, I’d like to thank the FDA for approving Botox."

Snowprov

"That'll be five bucks."

'How's everyone doing tonight - that is the question.'

"Take two pies to the face and call me in the morning."

"I don't know whether to be mad that you had water this whole time or impressed with your commitment to the joke."

"So I'm perfectly healthy? That's good but will I still be able to research symptoms online and panic?"

Acme-5000 Lie Detector

Looks like another profit's warning

Please stand by. As stocks soar, our announcer is having a fit of the giggles.

'Your Chef's Surprise, sir -- a sauteed whoopee cushion.'

King and Jester

"Why don't I clang some utensils, make 3 grilled cheese sandwiches and we call it an early night?"

"It's funny 'cos it's true!"

'I see we've got some techies in tonight.'

"I had a consultation with a plastic surgeon. Now I have to decide whether I want to look old or look weird."

Pie chart of pub conversations

"Ok, ok, how's everyone feeling tonight besides a thousand dollars poorer?"

"Target in range. Ready... hug."

'Doors opening.' - 'Doors closing.' - 'Doors bored now.'

'I don't understand. Why do you want to have your arms extended?'

'See, I told you - nobody's job is safe!'

'What shall we watch - best security videos of 2013 or operating room bloopers, blunders and bleeps?'

"You were ho-ho-hoing in your sleep again!"

"...dry your eyes, m'boy, and always remember: Laugh, and the world laughs with you. Weep, and the world laughs AT you."

'A friendly reminder, Mr. Parker: There's only room for one long, raucous, 'what-a-stupid-question' laugh in this company, and it's not yours.'

Stand-up comedy while you're away at work. 'What's the deal with fetching? ...And they expect you to run and go get it, so why did they throw it in the first place?' 'Ha! Ha! It's funny because it's true!'

'Scientists have confirmed that smiling is contagious.'

"I finished my act. Could you come over and give me a hand?"