Laugh-loving Listener Gifts

"He'll talk your ear off."

It was the last time Colin would buy anything online!

"Oh, I like coming to the dentists. It's the only place where people actually ask me to spit!"

Snowprov

"... And finally, I’d like to thank the FDA for approving Botox."

'How's everyone doing tonight - that is the question.'

"Take two pies to the face and call me in the morning."

"I don't know whether to be mad that you had water this whole time or impressed with your commitment to the joke."

Acme-5000 Lie Detector

King and Jester

'Your Chef's Surprise, sir -- a sauteed whoopee cushion.'

Please stand by. As stocks soar, our announcer is having a fit of the giggles.

'She loves me, she loves me not, she loves me...'

'I see we've got some techies in tonight.'

"I had a consultation with a plastic surgeon. Now I have to decide whether I want to look old or look weird."

'Smile and say: tofu-based dairy substitute.'

'Right, now learn this trick...'

"You were ho-ho-hoing in your sleep again!"

'What shall we watch - best security videos of 2013 or operating room bloopers, blunders and bleeps?'

Beer Van and Ice Cream Van

'Doors opening.' - 'Doors closing.' - 'Doors bored now.'

"Target in range. Ready... hug."

"I'm sorry I really can't take you seriously."

"Well, I deal with death and carrion every day: Laughing is a therapeutic way of avoiding depression..."

"Ok, ok, how's everyone feeling tonight besides a thousand dollars poorer?"

'A friendly reminder, Mr. Parker: There's only room for one long, raucous, 'what-a-stupid-question' laugh in this company, and it's not yours.'

"...dry your eyes, m'boy, and always remember: Laugh, and the world laughs with you. Weep, and the world laughs AT you."

'Scientists have confirmed that smiling is contagious.'

Stand-up comedy while you're away at work. 'What's the deal with fetching? ...And they expect you to run and go get it, so why did they throw it in the first place?' 'Ha! Ha! It's funny because it's true!'

'Henceforth, nurse Blum will be the nurse to take your blood pressure.'

Making sure the pitcher is up for the job.

'Well, so far the only ones to answer our fondue party invitation are the rats in our basement.'